Doubting Reality?
Out for a sunny run.
I’ve told you before I am not very good at asking for help. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I doubt myself and my feelings a bit. It’s hard to to explain, but in the same way it took me a long time to admit I had a problem with alcohol, long before I admitted I was an alcoholic, I also struggled to admit I have anxiety, or any other mental health issues. It’s like I’m afraid that if I admit it, I’ll be proven wrong and laughed at, or that people might think I’m faking it.
Looking back now, I sometimes even doubt I was ever really that bad. It’s funny how your memory can fade and trick you, but then out of the blue I’ll remember that I was. It might be when I have a little bit of wine glass envy that I forget. But I have to remind myself that my nights out didn’t end up looking glamorous and fun anymore, and that I probably wouldn’t have remembered much of what had happened. It’s sad really.
I’m the same with feelings. A little while back, I got myself really low again. I’ve been fighting my mind since I stopped drinking and I guess I’d got to a point where it had levelled out and there was no more improvement. I wanted to feel better, and yet I was anxious and down. It was possibly one of the lowest points since I’d stopped drinking and it was frustrating, because on the face of it, I was doing everything I could right. So I crumbled eventually, and saw the doctor. Being prescribed medication is not something I wanted, but actually, for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel worried all the time, which is a huge bonus with this lockdown and coronavirus craziness! My mind is much quieter, it’s sort of peaceful and my emotions are levelled out more than they have been in a long time. It’s quiet nice.
I’m enjoying feeling the novelty of this calm, with the added benefit that because it isn’t alcohol induced, it actually remains and I also remember. It isn’t the up and down rollercoaster of calm and stress that I experienced when I was drink. So it’s weird that my mind is already questioning whether I was ever bad enough for medication, in the same way I questioned when I was that bad when I was drinking. That doubt is annoying. I feel more able to listen to myself this time though, I sort of trust that actually I was that low, and actually, it’s nice to be on a bit more of a level playing field for a change. I wasn’t expecting wonders, and yet I can’t remember the last time I felt this continually calm. I’ve had a few headaches, but if that is the only side effect, then it’s fine by me. But it’s been over a month now and even those seem to be levelling off now. It’s nice to feel in control again. It’s nice not to have my mind and my emotions run away with me. Even in more stressful situations, and by that I mean the things that a lot of people would take in their stride, I just feel able to stay on top, and that feels so good right now.
Take care everyone, thank you for reading.
Claire x
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