Running with Barn.
When I used to drink my eating habits weren’t great. I often joked that I’d prefer to drink wine than eat given the choice, but it was more than a joke, it was the truth. I hate admitting that, but it’s the truth and my blog is about the truth, so there it is. As my anxiety and my drinking increased I found eating harder and harder and over time lost a lot of weight. Most people say they lose weight when they stop, but that wasn’t the case for me. I guess all in all I’ve put on about three stone, but the difference is, when I look back at photos of me before, I don’t look well and now, while honestly I do weigh more than I’d like, I know I am healthier on the inside and the outside.
I made excuses when I first stopped drinking, I let myself eat anything and everything I wanted to, because I was replacing wine, and it was fine in my book. I was allowed to have treats, because nothing could be as bad for me as wine was. I was also meant to be being kind to myself, and I thought extra treats were part of that. A little while passed and soon I was expecting our little man Stanley. I didn’t use that as an excuse, I ate well, but not excessively.
I think now though, that I’ve let it get a little bit out of hand. I wouldn’t say that I’ve replaced one addiction with another, although I think my personality is very much like that. I’ve always been a little bit ‘all or nothing’ with things. I am a little bit concerned about my sugar intake now though, I certainly craved it in the early days, but while I hoped it would wear off over time, I think I have just become accustomed to it. The thing I struggle with is sugary treats. Mostly biscuits. If I make a cup of tea in the afternoon and I’m tired I can quite easily demolish a whole packet of bourbons or similar. The problem is, that happens a fair bit. After a day at work, I’ll come home and if Stanley is tired, we’ll sit down for a bit together. He sometimes falls asleep, and that is fatal if I have a packet of biscuits nearby, because I just pick. One after the other and before I know it, a fair few have gone. I always regret it afterwards. I know it isn’t good for me. I know I’d be a faster runner if I didn’t eat biscuits like I do, but it’s hard. Just like with the wine, I tell myself, “Just the one”, but it seldom is. It’s frustrating because I eat pretty well otherwise. All day long I’ll snack very little, maybe on fruit, and I’ll have a salad everyday for lunch, but then I let myself down in the afternoon.
Oh and then there’s the Coke. I’ve replaced my evening wines with Diet Coke. That’s the thing I’ll panic buy now instead of the wine. I get anxious if there isn’t some in the house, because, “What else will I drink?!” I drink water and tea all day, but in the evening, with dinner I have to have something different. So now it’s a couple of cans of coke. Bottles don’t work for me, I quite like the ritual of popping a can open. I guess it’s replace filling my glass up. Just like the wine, I tell myself I’ll cut down, but the thing is, I’ve learned, I’m not very good at the whole moderation thing. It’s not so bad I guess, I know from experience that there is a lot worse I could be doing, but it just feels like I’m letting myself down a bit. Of course there are those out there that say not to worry about it, but the more I think about it, the more I think I should tackle it now, before I get older and it all gets harder to change my ways.
I’m seriously thinking about trying to cut out sugar. But… it seems like it will be a lot of hard work, and I’m not sure that I’ve got the energy for that at the moment. But maybe I’m just making excuses? God knows I did that for long enough when I was trying to stop drinking. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and see if I can do it? It can’t be harder than giving up alcohol can it?
Thanks as always for reading!