When Not Drinking is Wonderful
The view of the sky from my garden.
I no longer have the need inside me longing for for a glass of wine. It used to be there constantly, a little feeling that wouldn’t go away, a voice that made me feel uneasy until I’d had a glass. It was really the only way I could relax, not in the beginning when it was still fun, but definitely towards the end when I’d been steadily drinking for years.
I’m sitting in the garden now as I’m writing this. The sun is shining and it’s warm. I can here some kids playing a few houses down, but there isn’t much noise because of the quarantine. My little man Stanley is playing in a water tray with some boats, he says his boat, “is very happy”. My big boys Joe and Barn are helping their Dad barbecue. I like to advise from a distance, but I don’t tend to get too involved! Katie is creating artwork somewhere, but she’ll be down soon to join us. It’s a very different picture to the one it would have been a few years ago.
I would never have been this content. I would have had an insatiable thirst for wine. I would have made countless trips to the house for wine refills. Lee may have had a few beers but he wouldn’t have had many. Towards the end, it wouldn’t have quite hit the spot for me in the same way. It as like an itch that couldn’t be scratched. I would have told myself, “one more glass”, but it would have always been more. I couldn’t have felt content and I wouldn’t have been able to relax until I’d had my fill.
I didn’t have an off switch when I drank and I drank often. I couldn’t stop when I should have. It was never enough until it was too much, and then I would have struggled with my concentration, my memory and my patience. Nothing would have been the same. I struggle now when I remember or when I think of how much time I’ve wasted. Of times that should have been good and were spoiled. I can’t get any of the time I lost back and worrying about it or beating myself up about it won’t change anything except for perhaps making me feel worse.
All I can concentrate on is what I do going forward. That’s all anyone can do really isn’t it? So I’ll enjoy this sunny moment in the garden, hearing the birds and listening to the kids and Lee chatting as they cook. I can honestly say, I don’t need wine to make this moment any better.
Thank you as always for reading.
Claire x
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