My Not So Secret Diary


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It can be hard to imagine yourself changing, even when you want to. Sometimes it takes longer than you imagine and then it creeps up on you unexpectedly. I’m not a great people person, I second guess what people think and always expect them to think the worst of me. Even after a nice chat I will question everything I’ve said and done when I’m on my own afterwards. It’s hard work feeling like that so I keep people at arms length. It’s often easier. The thing is, people don’t always let you hide. Sometimes they’re kind and patient and accept your guarded conversations until months on when you realise you’re beginning to relax and let them in.
Yesterday, I stayed at park for over an hour after school. I had real conversations with lovely, genuine women that I’m learning to call my friends. They don’t care that I struggle to trust and they show me kindness. I think I’ve learned to accept myself a lot more of recent, (it’s funny how long that takes), but because I accept myself, I’m gradually letting others accept me too. I’ve trusted the wrong people in the past and now I’m more careful, but because of that I’m finding better connections too. I might not have gone into details about every aspect of my life, but I do open up a lot more than before, and to be able to do that without fear of judgement is amazing. More than that, it’s a relief.


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I’m confused. I had a comment on a post yesterday that suggested I talk to my sponsor about the way I was ‘feeling’. Now I’m going to be very honest, I have never had nor will I ever have a sponsor. I’ve also never been to AA. It works for some people but I chose not to go that route, and I’m doing just fine. What confuses me is not the fact that I was told to talk about my feelings, but rather I was told to do it when my post was positive. I merely explained how grateful I am to have the people in my life that I do, and that when I struggle I know they’ve got me. I’m not sure how a sponsor would help me with anxiety, and I certainly never suggested I wanted a drink because I don’t. In fact I feel 0% inclined to drink, especially when my anxiety is rattling around, because I know that the feelings are my own, and not alcohol induced. Anyway, the reason I post is to inspire, because in this world it’s easy to feel weird for not drinking. My posts are honest because my sober self is all about authenticity. I’m not asking to be fixed or to have my hand held by someone else because I need to take responsibility for my actions and feelings - we all do. So please don’t misunderstand, help is different for all of us on our individual journeys. We all need something different, there is no right or wrong, just what works for you, and that’s all that matters. My page will remain authentically me, because ultimately it’s for me, but if it helps someone else, then that’s great too. But don’t tell me who to talk to, I’ve got that covered 😊


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I have to say, I love the c25k app. Once upon a time, I wasn’t a runner. Then I decided to become one. I got obsessed and started smashing out 5ks, 10ks, 10 milers and 7 half marathons. Then came covid and I stopped. It was hard to start again, I compared myself to before when I could knock a few miles out without breaking a sweat. That made me doubt myself. So I started and stopped several times, scared of what people might say. In January something changed and I started again. Yes it was hard. I couldn’t run for a minute. I was nothing like I had been, so I stopped comparing myself, because doing something is better than doing nothing…. And you know what, it’s paid off, because tonight I ran 5 miles. By myself. Without walking. Except for the last hill because I practically live up a mountain! And you know what, I’m proud, because with perseverance we can do the things we want to do. A little bit of effort makes a huge difference in the long run, whether it’s running or sobriety. We can do whatever we put our minds to. 💖💖💖


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I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed this week, and of course, I have to deal with those feelings now, because I don’t drink to wash them all away. I run of course, but although it helps, it doesn’t take all the feelings away, at least, not all of the time. Sometimes there just isn’t a reason for my worry and other times those reasons are out of my control. I find that hard. I’m a control freak and I like to fix things.
Sometimes though, in the midst of everything, I am hit by how very lucky I am. Our eldest son works with us, and today, he appeared in my office, asked if I was okay and gave me a hug. Those small things matter so much. It reminds me that I am loved and that they care, even when I’m struggling not to love myself and picking fault with everything I do. It helps me not spiral downwards too far, even when it would be easy to. He’s off on a lad’s holiday tomorrow, and I’m more nervous than I’d like to admit, I know he’ll be fine and have a great time, but I’ll relax when he’s back on home soil again. I suppose at least that’s a justifiable worry to have! I’m working on letting all the other little things go, and trying to focus on just how lucky I am.


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It’s really easy to seek validation in ‘likes’ - I mean, if we’re on social media and not talking to other people, it can be hard to know whether people ‘like’ something or not, and yet, really it isn’t a true reflection at all. Some people are private, and may read in the shadows, not liking or commenting because they don’t want other people to know they’re there. Sometimes, people dm and stay quiet that way, again happy to talk to the account holder, but not needing others to know they’re there. I had a comment on one of my videos recently saying something like people weren’t rushing to talk to me, but that comment was just based on what that short sighted person could see. They didn’t see the valuable private conversations I was having with other people. It’s hard to put yourself out there when some people seem intent on trying to pull us back down again, but I’d say keep going. You never know who is reading and watching your posts, and finding them useful, and if you stop, then they could be lost. There’s often more going on than meets the eye, so be strong, speak out and be yourself. Who knows what difference you might be making, without even knowing about it! 💖🥰💖

Bank Holidays

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It makes me sad when I think of all the bank holidays and special occasions where my day would have revolved around alcohol. It just seemed the done thing, but that's only because we’re acting on the messages we're told, the one we see everywhere, from adverts to shop displays. It doesn't have to be that way, life doesn't have to revolve around alcohol and you can actually have fun and relax without it. Just because it's what you've always done, doesn't mean you always have to.
Today we have had an Easter Egg hunt in the garden, I have washed an endless amount of clothes and let it blow dry in the wind; a family of six creates a lot of washing!! I ran, because I enjoy it and now I make time for it. I watched a film with my little one and I helped my husband tidy up after his tiling efforts. To be clear, tiling isn’t something I’ll be helping with unless I have to! But it’s been nice and now we’re having a takeaway. No amount of alcohol would have made this weekend any better!
I hope you’re having a good weekend whatever you’re up to!

This Girl Can

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Go on, tell me I can't do it. No one's voice would be louder than my own. Except for the first time in my life I'm beginning to see that the little voice is wrong and that I don't have to listen to anyone else. I'm drowning out the little voice slowly and surely, not with wine but with achievements, because actually #thisgirlcan and if I can then so can you.

Being Ourselves

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There have been a few instances lately where I've felt thrown by someone or something outside of my control. Unfortunately, however hard I work at it, when someone is upset or angry or put out, I feel like it's my fault. Logically, I can put it to one side and see it isn’t my fault, but sometimes, especially in quiet moments, I realise I'm overthinking. And overthinking for me looks like blame. I blow things out of proportion and my head runs away with me. Luckily, none of the terrible things I expect have ever happened. I'm normally fine, but that doesn't stop the what ifs. A massive part of the way I feel comes down to feeling misunderstood or not heard; if I’m not allowed to explain then I get frustrated and I feel like my intentions are not seen.
Now, while it doesn’t necessarily change how I feel or make the sadness go away, I have realised something. Not everyone will have the same perspective as me. That doesn’t necessarily mean either of us are wrong. Life experiences shape us, and that affects how we see things. We need to align ourselves with similar people with similar values that support and accept us. That doesn't mean we ignore everyone else, but we can choose to limit interactions with people who rile us, and that goes for social media too. Sometimes it is brilliant, but sometimes, it's okay to step away. So today I’ve left a few group chats, and muted a few others, because actually, sometimes it’s okay to put myself first, and while it’s still my first instinct to explain myself, I really shouldn’t need to. Put yourself first, and if something doesn’t feel right, then maybe that’s a sign for you to take a step back too. Most of all, remember to take care of yourselves.