My Not So Secret Diary


Appreciation 2 at the beach Claire Hatwell recovery blog My Not So Secret Diary - writing, addiction, alcohol abuse, mental health Cornwall
I used to find it impossible to slow down. I felt like I was in a constant race. I rushed everything, the good and the bad, to get a sense of fulfilment and to feel like I had achieved something. The thing is, that for me, that feeling is a bit like the feeling you get with drinking. Once you’ve done it, you need more to get the same feeling. It’s not a good feeling when you never feel proud of yourself. It eats away at your self-confidence and I found that I measured my self-worth by the amount of things I could tick off a list. The problem was, it never felt like it was enough.

When I stopped drinking my mind suddenly felt overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do with myself at the best of times but now I had extra time on my hands it was even worse. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t even think straight. To me, that was all a shock. I thought that if I cut out wine, then I’d become settled and relaxed almost straight away. It wasn’t like that, and instead I was just a bit of a mess. It was hard to deal with.

Over time I’ve slowed down. I’ve got used to my new pace and I’ve come to enjoy the small things, possibly, this is helped by the fact that I actually see them now. I’m not rushing aimlessly about trying to achieve the next thing. It’s peaceful and calm and quiet. I like it.

On Sunday we had to take our son Barn to work. As he works right by the beach I promised our little one Stanley we’d go and play. The weather was forecast to be good so I packed up his bucket and spade with a towel and planned on spending the day there. Of course, when we woke up, it was raining, and not just a little bit, but properly torrential. I didn’t want to let Stanley down, so we went anyway. Rather than swimming shorts, he wore wellies and a coat, until he filled them up with water and ended up barefoot! I paddled and so did Lee. There was so much we could have been doing instead, so much work and things around the house, that could have taken a prioriy, but just then for a few hours we slowed down and enjoyed it just being the three of us, spotting fish and digging holes. It was lovely and the rain didn’t spoil a thing.

Take a breath and stop for a second. Life is good. Enjoy it!

Claire x