I'm fairly open in all I write on my blog, and as many of you know I've recently written my first book about my recovery. Things have changed a lot for me over the last few years. I've faced up to an addiction and come out of it stronger than I ever thought possible. On the surface it must look like I’m dealing well with everything. I'm certainly in a much better place than I ever was before, when I was drinking. I feel happier and healthier and calmer. I’m the same person, just an improved version.
So, it catches me out when I panic about what I'm doing. Since I've released my book I've had countless sleepless nights worrying if I've said too much or if I've upset anyone. The truth of it is that I've been honest. I haven't intended to upset anyone and the feedback I've had so far has only been good. So why do I worry so much?
The other night my daughter asked if she could share the link for my book to her social media. I told her I didn't mind although I do worry that my experiences reflect on my kids and above all, I don't want to let my family down. I don't want to disappoint them. I see my sobriety as a strength but worry that others no doubt will see my past drinking as a failure.
So anyway Katie shared it and I felt really proud that she thought highly enough of what I'd written to share it and admit that I was her Mum. It made me feel so good that I shared it too. For some that will sound like nothing, but for me it's quite a big deal. I keep myself to myself and don't really post much on my personal page, but something made me do it. The thing with stories is you can see who has seen them; with posts you only see who has interacted with your post. Within minutes I had a love heart from a dear friend of mine before other people popped up. It shouldn't worry me. It certainly doesn't change who I am, because I'm talking about something that happened in the past, but it did. One of the people who saw it works for us, another is a teacher at our little one's nursery and I immediately felt like they'd judge me. Those people are lovely and in hindsight I don't think they would judge, but in the moment I'll admit I panicked. I'm surprised that I'd jump to conclusions, especially when I hate when people doing it to me but it made me panic, and after several panicky events caused by my mother-in-law reading my book (it mentions her). I began to worry a lot and in the end, I deleted the post. Maybe there's a reason my blog was secret. Maybe, I should keep it that way? I'm proud of my achievements and I know those closest to me are too, so why should it bother me what anyone else thinks?
I've discovered I'm a perfectionist. I guess underneath I've always known it, and I deal with it now, but letting people in is lovely, but scary, because I have to admit to them that I'm not perfect. But then who is?
I know I'm doing the best I can, and I think that is all we can really ask of ourselves isn't it?