My Not So Secret Diary


We’ve all been stuck indoors and at home far more than we’d like to have been over recent months. Even me, and I’m quite a homebody. We live in such a beautiful part of the world, and we haven’t even been to the beach much because of lockdown. It’s not too far to go, but I stay close to home, worried that I’ll be the one that the police decide have gone too far for their reasonable exercise.

Anyway, with the world opening up more, gradually we’ve been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Last week, I had a couple of errands to run on my day off and as the weather was nice, so instead of jumping in the car, so I could get there and back as quickly as possible, I decided to walk down with my little man Stanley. After a lovely walk that took far longer than I anticipated, we bought a little bit of lunch from the bakery and walked to the park.

I’ve avoided the park in recent months, just because a three year old is hard to keep contained, and not great at socially distancing with other children. We took him out of nursery when the schools closed down again, as he was our only link to the outside world, the only way our bubble could be broken, so he has been largely at home with us, at work with us, or with his grandma. He has a lot of attention, but not much from children his own age. We’ve decided when the schools go back, he will too, we don’t want him missing out when our other kids go back.

Anyway, the park was quiet, with only about three other families, and all the kids were of a similar age to Stanley. Without a word, he shot off, and made friends with two little girls. The three of them didn’t play together all the time, it was more him with one, and then him with the other, but it was so lovely to watch him playing and being so social after such a long time.

I’ve wondered how this pandemic and these lockdowns will affect the children all over the world. So much is different for them, they can’t see people they normally would or do things they’d normally do, whether they are small or much older. I worry too about teenagers, I’m not sure how they’ll explore the normal age appropriate ways of meeting people they like, not when they aren’t even allowed to hold hands. I can’t imagine how this generation of children will grow up and go into the world with so many safety precautions in the world keeping them apart. It’s certainly going to be very different for them than it was for most of us that are a little older.

It was so nice to sit in the park and watch the kids play. It was innocent and normal, in this world where there isn’t a lot of normal. I hope we’re coming through it, that the end is in sight, not only of the pandemic, but also with the better weather and leaving winter behind, everything just feels a little more positive. At least to me.

I think that while we need to keep our precautions in place to keep us safe, we also need to remember that we all need a bit of kindness, and freedom where we can.

Thanks for reading, take care of yourselves.
Claire x

Secret Lives

Secret Lives

I'm fairly open in all I write on my blog, and as many of you know I've recently written my first book about my recovery. Things have changed a lot for me over the last few years. I've faced up to an addiction and come out of it stronger than I ever thought possible. On the surface it must look like I’m dealing well with everything. I'm certainly in a much better place than I ever was before, when I was drinking. I feel happier and healthier and calmer. I’m the same person, just an improved version.

So, it catches me out when I panic about what I'm doing. Since I've released my book I've had countless sleepless nights worrying if I've said too much or if I've upset anyone. The truth of it is that I've been honest. I haven't intended to upset anyone and the feedback I've had so far has only been good. So why do I worry so much?

The other night my daughter asked if she could share the link for my book to her social media. I told her I didn't mind although I do worry that my experiences reflect on my kids and above all, I don't want to let my family down. I don't want to disappoint them. I see my sobriety as a strength but worry that others no doubt will see my past drinking as a failure.

So anyway Katie shared it and I felt really proud that she thought highly enough of what I'd written to share it and admit that I was her Mum. It made me feel so good that I shared it too. For some that will sound like nothing, but for me it's quite a big deal. I keep myself to myself and don't really post much on my personal page, but something made me do it. The thing with stories is you can see who has seen them; with posts you only see who has interacted with your post. Within minutes I had a love heart from a dear friend of mine before other people popped up. It shouldn't worry me. It certainly doesn't change who I am, because I'm talking about something that happened in the past, but it did. One of the people who saw it works for us, another is a teacher at our little one's nursery and I immediately felt like they'd judge me. Those people are lovely and in hindsight I don't think they would judge, but in the moment I'll admit I panicked. I'm surprised that I'd jump to conclusions, especially when I hate when people doing it to me but it made me panic, and after several panicky events caused by my mother-in-law reading my book (it mentions her). I began to worry a lot and in the end, I deleted the post. Maybe there's a reason my blog was secret. Maybe, I should keep it that way? I'm proud of my achievements and I know those closest to me are too, so why should it bother me what anyone else thinks?

I've discovered I'm a perfectionist. I guess underneath I've always known it, and I deal with it now, but letting people in is lovely, but scary, because I have to admit to them that I'm not perfect. But then who is?

I know I'm doing the best I can, and I think that is all we can really ask of ourselves isn't it?

Claire x




Lockdown Drinking

I’m forever grateful that I don’t drink anymore, especially now, during the pandemic and our repeated lockdowns. I’ve said before, that I worry enough now, I can’t imagine what I would have been like with the additional worries of getting wine, considering I don’t like to shop at the moment. The lack of structure in the day would probably have given me more time to drink or at least bring the time when I opened the first bottle earlier. Last week, our grocery delivery arrived and the driver commented on how much chocolate I’d bought. In my defence there are six of us in the house and it was on special offer, but my daughter tried to explain, only for him to laugh at her. As it was chocolate, I could brush it off, but if it had been wine, I would have been upset, angry, defensive and who knows what else? I’m glad I’m not in that position.

I was reading this article recently, link included, about how lockdown is pushing women to drink. It’s interesting to read as I wondered if I just saw a problem that might not be there due to my past. Reading this, it seems it is a real possibility. I’ve seen family members laugh and joke about drinking over the first lockdown, not so much now, because to be honest, I had to unfollow a couple of social media accounts as it really bothered me. Comments like ‘Forget weight watchers, I’ll be needing AA after lockdown’, might be funny to some, but in honesty, they just make me feel uncomfortable.

It’s said that in the first lockdown, we all had to deal with how our lives were changing, not only due to the lockdown itself, but also down to the anxiety and stress from the unknown and the pandemic. Now, and as I write this we’re in our third lockdown here in the UK, it’s more common. We know we can’t go out, and everything is sort of normal. Some of us are still working, some of us are used to working at home. Some of us have our kids at home more than we used to, and of course, shopping in the high streets is a thing of the past. The thing is we’re used to it, we may not like it, but for the most part, we know there is little we can do about it, until lockdown is eased and so we get on with it.

For many of us, we find we have more time, whether that’s because we aren’t working, or because we aren’t commuting, it has affected all of our lives. For some of us self-medicating with alcohol seems like it’s becoming the go to choice. It seems to relieve stress and worry, gives us a way out of the monotony of life. Without our normal daily structure, it can feel like every night is a Friday or Saturday night, which can lead us to feel like it’s okay to have a extra drink or two. Of course, this isn’t a short time, like Christmas for example, it’s weeks if not months, and it’s very easy to form a habit over this sort of time period.

The problem is, at least as I see it, that we aren’t going to see the back of Covid-19 for a long time. It’s already been with us for a year, and there isn’t really an end in sight yet. We can choose to stay indoors, or form habits that in the long run aren’t really helpful to us, or we can choose to try to live in the best way we can, to do the best we can, because at some point, hopefully things will go back to something we recognise as normal.

Take care of yourselves and stay safe,
Claire xx

How True Is This?

addictiveHow true is this?! 💖💖I saw it and just had to repost, thanks @clare_pooley 🙌👏

Addictive Personalities

Everyone has probably heard the term ‘an addictive personality’, referring to those of us who are more likely to develop an addiction. It wasn’t something I’d thought much about, almost a throw away comment but then I began to think about it more. For some of us, one thing, whether it’s a drink, a lottery ticket or a bit of chocolate, can be enough. For others, (like me), one of something is seldom enough.

I knew a long time ago, and others have noticed, that when I like something I tend to through myself into it wholeheartedly. Like drinking; I gave that my full attention and I got really good at it. Now I don’t do it at all. There have been other things too, but probably the main one that stands out over recent years is running. I started as a hobby, to try to calm my mind, to help me relax, and hopefully lose some baby weight. Instead, I started a competition with myself. It had to be further and further and faster and faster. On the days I had as rest days, which you are supposed to have, even as an elite athlete, I used to worry that I was being lazy. I would think that in those few hours that I didn’t run, that my fitness and speed were ebbing away. It was just another thing for me to worry about and I hated it.
I started to run for fun, I never anticipated doing anything more than enjoy it for myself, but less than a year after I started running I had done four half marathons. I just kept throwing challenge after challenge at myself. Once 5k was an achievement, then 10k, then a half marathon. I was up to 20 miles and hoping for a full marathon when Covid stopped me in my tracks.

Some habits aren’t so bad and I think in hindsight being obsessed with running is a lot better than being obsessed with wine, but I find it interesting how certain people get grabbed by that insatiable need for something when others can take it or leave it.

It’s thought that genes might have something to do with your personality. Studies that followed some children, focussing on those from addicted families who were adopted by those without addictions found that genes are responsible for about 50% of the chance of you becoming addicted. Other factors are also in play here though, for example friendship groups, education and the environment you grow up and live in, all contribute to the way you become.

Interestingly, it is also thought that those who experience anxiety and depression can be at a higher risk of experiencing an addictive personality. It is thought that those suffering from this type of personality can be very sensitive to emotional stress and struggle with certain situations, even if those situations don’t seem challenging to others. It is also suggested that those with an addictive personality jump from one addiction to another. I can see how this might happen, at least in my case, and to be honest, it is something I am aware of, although as we all know, addictions can creep up, seemingly out of nowhere.

I suppose it’s just something to be aware of really isn’t it? I assume these things have been affecting others for years, it’s just now we’re more able to be vocal about it, to talk to others and share our experiences. I know from the way I worry and how anxious I get, that it is easy to fall into the trap of setting up coping strategies to help me through. I also know that when I can’t employ these coping strategies for some reason, things get worse. I feel worse. So while it may be important to learn ways of coping and dealing with stress or difficult situations, we should be aware that we aren’t creating other habits that we come to rely on instead of our original habits.

I think like a lot of things, being aware, and not hiding from our problems helps here. We need to catch our problems before they become too big, whatever they are, and sometimes that means dealing with them head on, even when it’s scary to do so.

But, as always, whatever you’re doing, just remember to be kind to yourself. We’re all doing the best we can.

Thanks for reading,
Claire xx

Sad news…


I love this feedback! 😍💖💖💖