My Not So Secret Diary

Knocks and Bumps Along The Way

Knocks and Bumps Along The Way My Not So Secret Diary

I hate when things don’t go to plan. I told you recently that I was feeling braver… well that bravery has wobbled a bit. I guess it’ll be a bit up and down for a while? I can’t just go back to where I was can I? And like I’ve said before, I don’t want to really, as that involved drinking.

I was getting somewhere I thought, and then someone corrected me on something. I still think I’m right but that is besides the point. It was like my voice disappeared. I felt myself shrivelling up. I wanted to say, no actually, I value your opinion, but what I mean is… and explain it, but instead, I was like, “Oh okay, I’ll change it.” So I change it, and of course, everyone else thinks it’s okay, and that it isn’t a big deal, because really it isn’t. But I feel annoyed because I wasn’t heard, and it makes me stew on it, and I go over and over it, trying to work out if I am right about something no one else cares about anymore. It’s ridiculous and I’m driving my son to the running track later when I randomly say something to him about it, mid conversation. He looks at me, and is like, “What mum?” So I feel bad, because I should have left work at work, and not even be thinking about something so stupid when I’m at home, but it gets to me.

I think that is the biggest thing that affects me now, not being heard. Yet, I am not sure how to make myself heard sometimes. I just want an opinion, and yet I am scared to voice it, in case I upset someone, and then in feeling nervous, guarded and trying to bite my tongue, I inevitably seem to upset someone.

I told you I overthink. Who knew this sober life stuff would be so hard? I think I’m getting a handle on things, and then something else jumps up and gets me. So, I thought I’d tell you all, because I think you might understand.

Much love