24 January. 2020 • Category: Running | Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Mindfulness | Anxiety | Authenticity | Sobriety
It's rare I have a family photo now, this one is missing our littlest one.
My kids are growing up. They are 18, 16, 14 and 2. I know I have a few more years with them, but realistically, them moving out might not be too far away as Lee and I were already married and we had Joe when I was 19. I try to give them their freedom, I don’t want them to feel like I’m clingy and that they have to stay at home with me all the time but it is nice when they want to. The things we do together are special.
I think that (smallest person aside) having the three of them so close in age, meant I was always physically and mentally tied up, and now that they are largely self-sufficient I have to adapt, and it’s strange. I like the bustle of a busy house, I like them being about. I know my little man will be around for a lot longer and I am grateful for that, he is such a little bundle of fun, but it is strange knowing the others not needing me so much.
I notice the little things much more now, and I have more patience now, than I did before when I was drinking, to see the small things and let other things go. It was lovely over Christmas as I’d been bought a jigsaw puzzle, and Joe sat down with me for a minute to help me. It was so hard, double sided pigs in blankets that all look the same! I know his main reason for doing it was because he wanted to go out again and was probably hoping that by giving me five minutes I’d let him go, but it was nice anyway. It was nice to think he cares enough to do something like that with me, even if only for a few minutes, and instead of wasting time thinking about him going out, I just enjoyed the time we had.
That patience is something I am so grateful for, I feel him growing up and away and it is frustrating to think I can’t really keep him here, that I don’t see him very much and when I do, his head is often in his phone, but I try to be grateful for what I can get. I’m grateful that I have the time I do with them, and I’m grateful for the relationship I have with each of them. I’m working on being patient more, but I do find it hard sometimes. There is so much going on in my head that it makes me anxious before I’ve thought about anything else. Hearing the kids all chattering away at once just makes it harder to focus. I don’t think I can be the only one, but it can be hard. So I’m reminding myself to relax, and be grateful. They grow up too fast.
As always, thank you for reading.