I work myself up a lot about the smallest thing. This week for instance when I was at work, I asked my daughter to walk to the farm shop to refill our milk bottles. She did it and it was no problem, paying with my debit card so we didn’t have to worry about cash. Later, I asked how much it was and she said about £5. Now, I know it isn’t a lot, and to be honest, it wasn’t the money that worried me, more that I’d made a mistake about the cost of the milk in the long term. I tried to work it out several times, and assumed they had made a mistake. Not having a receipt meant I couldn’t do anything about it, but annoyingly, I also couldn’t let it go. All I’d wanted was two milk refills and some bananas, and I couldn’t see how that could cost a fiver.
The things I worry about sometimes seem daft, but they always seem to boil down to a lack of control with me. I tried to let it go, to tell myself it didn’t matter, and even if it did, I couldn’t change it, but try as I might, I couldn’t forget about it and I had to eventually check my online banking to see how much the pending transaction was. It turned out, after all my fretting, that Katie had made a mistake and it wasn’t nearly so much as she thought it was. So I was just worrying over nothing. Again.
I’m writing this as I’m sat on the beach. It’s not warm, but it’s dry. My son Barn’s training has started up again, in a very careful, socially distanced manner. The team have been split into training pods and they don’t cross over so it keeps a risk to a minimum. We aren’t allowed to train on the track just yet, which I understand, so at the moment they are running on the beach. It’s not a bad place to be and nice to have a reason to get out and enjoy some fresh air a few evenings a week.
Mind you, it’s another thing I struggle with a little bit. It’s taken me a few sessions to work up the courage to get out of the car. I’m afraid I think, that I’ll be shunned by the other parents or embarrass myself, so I find it easier not to put myself out there. Everyone else seems to know each other and try as I might, I always feel like an outsider.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite happy sitting here by myself, maybe that’s half my problem? Watching Barn and his team and listening to the waves is lovely, but I do wonder if maybe I seem anti-social and I wonder what the other parents think of me? There’s three other parents over to my left, one of them always seems to be a little off-hand and it makes me want to avoid all of them. It could well be their problem, but I always feel it’s mine, or something I have done.
Last week Barn had a little bit of a melt down pre-training. He’s so like me. I got out of the car in the end, to give him a few minutes and to warn his coach. In my hurry and being concerned that I didn’t want the rest of the team to know Barn was wobbling, I may have completely forgotten about social distancing. Now I wasn’t too close, but I wasn’t two metres away either and as the coach stepped back, it dawned on me and I felt like such an idiot. I hate things like that. Even innocent mistakes make me feel like a proper fool.
Lockdown has been nice for me in so many ways, it has been safe at home and I haven’t had to push myself, but as things go back to normal, I’m going to try to do more. I’m going to try to be a little more confident and worry a little less when talking to people. Who knows, maybe it will work?!
Thank you for reading and take care.