Honesty
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When I was drinking I hid behind the mask I showed the world, and although I don’t hide so much, I’m not great at saying that things aren’t always easy. It’s a hard one to explain, but sometimes I feel like I’m going to be caught out for being the fraud I feel I am. It isn’t something in particular, more that when I feel like this, I don’t feel like I’m that good at anything and that’s when I begin to pick fault… I have a temper that doesn’t come out unless I’m prodded too much, but then resembles a volcano. I’m told I hold a grudge, although I’d say I just like to deal with things rather than sweeping them to one side. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even in the same conversation as other people, because I don’t seem to hear or remember the things that other people do. I’m too sensitive, and I hate that. I can’t let things go, and spiral downwards because of something so stupid as a bad review, when I know and understand that not everyone is going to like what I write. I’m obsessive and anxious. My mind wanders and I focus too much or not at all. Words go onto paper, but I’m not so good at getting them out of my mouth. Sometimes I wonder why other people like me when I don’t like myself very much. I wonder if the wine broke me, because my logical mind and emotional mind don’t seem to match.
I don’t tend to post too much when I’m under a dark cloud as I feel awkward. It’s hard to admit that I feel down when I know I’m lucky, but unfortunately, being told to cheer up doesn’t help. Just as it didn’t help to tell me to stop drinking when I couldn’t. Sometimes it’s good to share, and if I haven’t bored you to tears, thank you for reading. I'm feeling better today, and know if I ride it out I’ll be okay, but sometimes I just want to hibernate. I do bounce back, but I hate feeling so gloomy, and hating the way I feel only adds to my annoyance at myself. I’m going to take some of my own advice now, and be kind to myself. Beating myself up won’t make things any better, but sometimes, it’s easier said than done.
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Take care,
Claire x