My Not So Secret Diary

The Fear

sober blog, Fear, scared, Claire Hatwell, author of My Not So Secret Diary, real feelings, scary emotions, feeling it all, sober.
I woke up with the fear this morning. To be honest, that’s nothing new, but it’s been there all weekend and I didn’t know why. I ran through my usual checklist, no I didn’t drink last night, no I don’t need to be worried about anything in particular, everyone in my family is okay… and then I realised what it is, this afternoon, my five year old is going to a birthday party. To some, that will seem like nothing. It’s not even about me, it’s about him and his friends, but, it’s more than that. I worry about what people think about me, even now. I still haven’t infiltrated the groups of parents successfully at his school, he’s only been there since September. I expect people to think the worst of me, and while I don’t apologise for being me, I do expect people to judge. I write for a local monthly magazine, so anyone can read my thoughts on sobriety, but they don’t know the whole story, and I feel that will make them think the worst of me. Then, I worked something else out, when my other kids were this age, I would have come home after the party to drink wine, and wash away the worries. To be honest, there probably would have been wine at most of the parties i went to. I don’t do that anymore. I’m doing it all on my own, and while I know I’ll be fine, I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. The thing is, I try not to run away anymore, so I’m going to go, and I’m going to do my best. While it’s hard, I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’m going to be me, and if that’s not good enough, then I’m not sure I want friends like that anyway. I know I’m a good mum, so I’m going for him, not for them, and if I have a nice time too, then that’s a bonus.
Feeling all the feelings today, but I’m doing it anyway. I hope you all have a lovely day xx