I was given a bottle of wine the other day as a present. It was a really kind thought, and the person who gave it to me had no idea about my story, or the fact that I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in 5 years and ten months (not that I’m counting). It wasn’t the present itself so much that surprised me, but actually my reaction to it. The bottle didn’t bother me at all while it was in the gift bag, but then I took it out, and held it just for a moment as I was going to give it to someone else who would make better use of it. Just for a second as I held it, I wondered if it was possible that I was fixed. I wondered if I could have a drink. Just the one you know, because surely now, after this long I could moderate? And of course, there was the idea that I was missing out by not drinking, that somehow I was being rude or ungrateful... I put the bottle down quickly, because, no, I can’t moderate, and no, one glass would not be enough. Once it was out of my hand I was fine again, because I know, I don’t actually want to drink. Afterwards I realised that I haven’t held a bottle of ‘real’ wine in years, so I suppose that alone would be a trigger. I just wasn’t expecting it, but it’s like I’ve always said, getting complacent about your sobriety is when it’s going to jump up and bite you on the arse. Addiction is always waiting.
Honestly though, I don’t miss drinking. Yes, that bottle triggered a thought, but my reality wouldn’t have matched up to the dream my brain was trying to suggest, and I know as clear as anything, that I do not want to go down that road again.
Just to be clear, I can drink, I’m allowed to, but I don’t want to, and that choice makes me stronger. Remember that if you’re having a wobbly moment. It’s okay to question yourself, just don’t drink. You’ll not regret that choice in the long run.