My Not So Secret Diary


When you get out of the habit of something it can feel like it is easier to stop completely than restart, and the longer you leave it the harder it gets. Life often gets in the way of the things we do for ourselves… I feel like a fraud sometimes for calling myself a runner when I find it so mentally challenging to run, but that isn’t true. What is true is that I forget to carve out moments where I put myself first. This morning I should have been helping to put a staircase in, and I will, but we worked hard last night taking a ceiling and some walls out, so I feel I earned my run. I’m the only person who makes myself feel bad and recognising that is the first step. Four miles changes the way I think for the better, and now I am home again, I’m ready to go and help with the renovations.

18th Birthday!


Dinner out tonight for our son’s 18th 🥳🎉 We bought him a pint or two but made sure he’d eaten well too! Now we’ve left the kids to have fun and we’re at home. We had a lovely time, but I didn’t for one minute think I was missing out by not drinking alcohol. In fact, as we went for a walk, enjoying the evening sunshine, I was relieved that I didn’t do anything to spoil the evening or to affect the way I remembered it. I’ve said it before, but our kids need to find their own way, they need to learn from their own mistakes, because no one could have told me before I was ready that I should stop. I’ll say one thing though; now I know what a sober life is like, I’d never go back! 💖💖💖



It’s easy to get complacent, to get caught up with life and forget the most important things… Tonight our older kids were all out and our youngest was at his first ever camp, so my husband took me out for dinner. It was an unexpected treat, and such a lovely break from normality. We might have spent the night talking about the kids but we did it with no distractions and it was lovely!
💖The little things really are the things that make all the difference 🥰💖

The Beach

He’s had a tough few days so really there was only one place to go. The place that makes everything feel better… the beach. Cold water is an amazing therapy, and so I did what any good mum would do and took my son swimming. It works wonders! 💖🌊💖



💖 Things I have learned this weekend. 💖
1. Kids parties are noisy. Especially when they are for other people’s kids, but at least when they are for other people’s kids, it’s not my responsibility.
2. I don’t need to reply to every message I get sent.
3. Don’t lend anyone my car, because it always comes back dirtier than it went. (This happened twice this weekend!)
4. As much as I stress out about it, seeing family is actually quite nice!
5. It’s good to be flexible, living in a building site has taught me that. But the lounge is a noisy place to sleep, so I must unplug everything tonight!
6. Except for my chargers, I must make sure they are plugged in, or my watch and phone will be flat like they were this morning.
7. Life is short. Make the most of it.


Sometimes it feels like nothing changes, but when you look back you see how far you’ve come 💖

Stanley had a birthday party yesterday. He’s got a very active social life considering he is only six! Last year was the first time we’d been invited to one of his friends parties as he’d only just started at school. It made me nervous because I didn’t know what to expect besides the enforced proximity to people I didn’t know and their children! Yesterday, if I’m honest, I was still anxious, I’m not really sure what of because I know what to expect now. The thing is, it’s much more manageable now, I’ve made the effort daily to talk to people and it has become easier. I’d say it’s harder to think about doing it, than actually doing it… but maybe that’s just me?


Our eldest two kids got back last night from Nass Fest. They’ve been there since Thursday, and I know that their adventure would have involved alcohol. I’ve had some people comment that they’re surprised I let them drink, or at least don’t mind it, but the thing is, they’re not alcoholics, and I am. Now, I suppose I don’t encourage them to drink, but they’re adults so legally well within their right to. Also, and I was thinking this last night, when they came home, full of excitement and happy to share their memories and photos with me, that if I tried to stop or limit them, they’d only want to do it all the more. We cannot teach from our experiences. I’m open with them, as I don’t want them to fall into the same traps as I did, but in fairness, I did not become an alcoholic from getting smashed at one festival. They don’t drink in the week like I did, and the big difference is, that while I know they both have fun when they go out and have a drink, they can also have fun without drinking. It’s a fine line, but the relationship we have with our kids is built on mutual trust and respect, and I trust them to make the right choices. We all had to learn didn’t we, and if we wrap them up in cotton wool, I’m sure they’ll only rebel and go on to make bigger mistakes. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn’t discourage them from going, especially when they have such a lovely time together and are happy to share it with me afterwards. That is truly special and makes me feel like I’m getting things right! 💖💖💖


I’m often found writing. I’ve found it’s a good way of working through things; of making them make sense to me. Last night as I went to bed I was feeling a lot of things, and so I pulled out my notebook. Here’s what I wrote…
Jealousy is not a nice feeling, and yet, as I am feeling it, I will sit with it.
Resentment. I resent feeling it, but still, I do, and so I will sit with it.
Anxiety, always present in some form or other. I can’t go around it and so I will sit with it.
Annoyance - I’ve been told it is only a reflection of the characteristics I dislike in myself, seen in others. Since I can’t change everything, I will sit with it.
Impatience. It will be done when it is done and no amount of impatience will hurry it. Therefore, I will sit with it.
Embarrassment. I cannot change the things I have said and done, I can only learn from them, and so, I will sit with it.
Shame, does not change the things I have said and done, I can only learn from them, and so, I will sit with it.
Frustration will not change anything for the better. I will breathe and sit with it.
Acceptance. I am who I am. I am imperfect as we all are. I am trying my best. I am real and honest and genuine. I do not drink to numb my feelings, even when they are big and loud and scary. I feel and I learn. I grow. I am strong. I am good. I am good enough. Maybe if we say these things enough, we will begin to believe them.