SoberMe

My Not So Secret Diary

Chaos

Chaos anxiety and a crazy brain! Yoga helps as does writing on my blog My Not So Secret Diary, by Claire Hatwell
On Sunday I had a really crazy brain day. It’s been a while since I’ve felt quite so sketchy, and it came completely out of nowhere. I don’t mind so much when it has a reason, and I at least know to expect it. Lee worked on Saturday as well as the rest of the week, which is not a problem, but sometimes I think it throws my inner control freak a little bit, because things aren’t as they are ‘supposed’ to be. On Saturday night I realised we had run out of Diet Coke. Shock horror, what was I going to be able to drink instead of that on Saturday evening? So, because nothing else would do, at least until later on when I could drink tea again, we went up to Asda. It was pouring down with rain, so luckily there was no queue to get in, and because we have been doing a weekly online shop with Tesco, we haven’t browsed in a long while, so we did. We bought a nice joint for Sunday and everything was good.

Even on Sunday morning things were fine, I woke up a little later than I would have liked, and that’s never a good thing, it always makes me spin out a little bit, because I feel like I’ve missed something. It’s like if I rush, I’ll catch up. It’s not a nice feeling. Plus the fact when I sleep really heavily, which I must have done, I find it hard to wake up, I feel groggy and it’s a bit reminiscent of a hangover. I hate that feeling.

Lee did us some nice breakfast and then we thought we’d put the roast on so it would have a nice long time to cook. We’d forgotten to buy carrots, but we have a lovely local farm shop five minutes walk from our house, so we took Stanley and walked there. We even managed to miss a super heavy rain shower, that came down when we were in the shop but had stopped by the time we had finished.

When we got home I picked up my laptop but I just couldn’t concentrate. My mind was whirring around, and try as I might, I couldn’t focus, anything I read went in one ear and out the other. Inside it feels like I have something important to do, that I’ve forgotten about. It makes me feel panicky and I struggle to focus on anything in particular. It’s weird when it comes out of nowhere, because I’m never sure what to do about it.

I rolled out my yoga mat in the end. There’s a nice practice I like that concentrates on over-coming anxiety. The first five minutes or so are based on something called Nadi Shodhana Pranayama, or alternate nostril breathing. It’s meant to balance you as you practice. Of course, my mind was so all over the place that the voice in my head was telling me I was stupid for getting the yoga mat out, that it wouldn’t help, that I was being silly. I had no choice but to concentrate and try to keep going, in the hope that the little voice would shut up.

Whenever I get my yoga mat out, Stanley gets his out too. He has been doing yoga of some form with me since he was five weeks old. The problem is, he gets his mat out and then joins me on mine! He does a lovely little downward dog. It’s very cute! So I carried on practicing around him, and his inflatable penguin that also joined us, concentrating on my breathing, and just keeping moving, and after about twenty minutes I realised the knot in my tummy had gone, and that the panic was subsiding.

It isn’t nice having anxiety. Especially after all this time, I thought I would have a better handle on it. I thought it would have gone away, and yet, as Lee pointed out, I did know what to do to make myself feel better, and even though I doubted myself, it worked. I did feel better. So I guess, I need to start trusting myself more!

The sun is shining, so I’m going to take my boys out for a bike ride now. Have a lovely day everyone!

Thanks for reading.
Claire x

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