My Not So Secret Diary

On Being Different

On Bring Different outdoors in the fresh air in Cornwall. Claire Hatwell - My Not So Secret Diary - blog about anxiety, addiction and recovery
I’ve never felt quite like I’ve fitted in right. I always felt like I was a bit of a square peg in a round hole. I always used to try my best, but I don’t anymore, well I do, but without trying to change myself if that makes sense? I’m a bit more of the feeling that you’ll have to take me or leave me now, although that doesn’t stop me worrying!

It doesn’t matter quite what it is, I’ve just always felt I didn’t quite measure up. I hated feeling like that, but I also know now that it was my insecurity talking. I don’t know why I was or am so insecure. There’s nothing that triggered it, at least that I remember. It’s hard, because I know I am sensitive so sometimes that makes things a little worse. I don’t see how others can brush things off when I take them to heart, even without wanting to. I feel like I should toughen up, or get a thicker skin, but for me at least, that just isn’t possible.

I’m not delicate or fragile so to speak. I’d do things a lot of people wouldn’t. I’d have a difficult conversation or fix a stressful situation when it might be easier to ask someone else to do it. So it’s not that I can’t do it, it’s just that when I’ve done it I over worry that I’ve done it right. I worry about whether my intentions will come across right or whether I’ve been misunderstood. I always think I’ve made a fool of myself. Even when I haven’t. I take failing very personally and I hate getting things wrong. It knocks me, and I take a lot to bounce back. It’s hard work putting myself out into situations that I find hard and sometimes I just want to go to sleep when I get home. It’s exhausting over analysing everything!

I read a beautiful analogy recently by someone in a similar boat to me. They said that some days are like walking a road paved with shards of glass. Some days you forget your shoes and it’s harder and so you remind yourself not to forget them the next day.

My bubble at home is my safe place. I know my mind distorts things and I am trying to work on it. I’m not hiding anymore and so now you all see the real me. I’m genuine and authentic and if that isn’t enough for anyone then I’m telling myself that it isn’t my problem. But I do find that negative self talk can bring me down. That voice is always there ready to jump in when it sees a chink in the armour and it gets me good. No matter how hard I work on positivity, when that voice starts it can bring me crashing right back down again.

It must be hard for those who live with me (Thank you Lee) because I need a lot of reassurance and validation. It’s not attention so much as just a reminder that whatever it us, was okay, or not so bad or what someone else would have done in the same situation. Rather than feeling wrong for needing the validation, I feel more confused that others don’t need it. I struggle to see how others can go through life without worrying about whether they are doing it right.

Things come out of the blue for me and knock me back which is frustrating. It might be a comment I made years ago, or something I did, but it’s like it springs up and makes me feel bad all over again. I’m trying to let the past go, it’s just hard sometimes.

But, I know I am loved. I know I am valued. As for the rest of it, I’m working on it.

Take care,
Claire x