My Not So Secret Diary

The Unexpected

photo-sobriety and recovery from alcohol dependency with Bee Sober Author and Ambassador Claire Hatwell writing blog My Not So Secret Diary AA Quitlit
My Dad isn’t very well at the moment. That’s a bit of an understatement to be fair. He was taken in to hospital as an emergency just over two weeks ago and has since had two surgeries. They aren’t quite on top of everything yet which is worrying, but I have all my fingers and toes crossed for him.

Dad being so poorly has brought up a couple of things for me that are unrelated to him. The first is that I am becoming increasingly scatty as I try to keep up with all the things I need to, it’s not a lot, I just feel like I am juggling a little. So I’ve been cleaning and hoovering a lot, because for some unknown reason that makes me settle down a little. Isn’t it strange how we find odd ways to cope? For some meditation works, for me, hoovering works. Well, at least it isn’t drinking wine. I am a bit worried though, I turned the hob on the other day, to boil some peas, walked away and came back to find I’d turned the wrong one, and was boiling an empty pot with a lid on it. Luckily I caught it before anything bad happened, but it was scary nether the less.

That brings me to my next point. So, my Dad didn’t know he was going into hospital, it was an emergency, and he got blue-lighted there. It’s made me think back to how I would have dealt with that back when I used to drink. I can’t imagine how I would have coped. I wouldn’t have been able to plan not to drink, in fact if I’d known I was going in, I probably would have tried to drink more in the run up, in some foolish attempt to stockpile. Of course I wouldn’t have been able to once in the hospital. I’m not actually sure what I would have done. I can’t imagine I would have told the nurses I drank so much, which would have made me effectively go cold turkey, something that I was told, because I drank so much would have been dangerous. I would have had to be pretty ill to have been able to stay in a hospital without drinking.

I guess seeing my Dad so poorly, has made me realise another one of the positives of me not drinking, although it has nothing to do with Dad really except for the fact I am able to drive my Mum about whenever she needs me, and not just in the daytime. It’s just a relief to think I won’t ever have that thought hanging over my head now if I ever was so poorly.

It’s another freedom I’ve acquired by managing to kick my habit. I have the freedom to be poorly, without still wondering where I’ll get another drink, and trust me, before I always did. Like when I had my wisdom teeth out under a general anaesthetic, it took me a day to want a drink after that, and I was in a bit of a state, all swollen and sore. I was certainly advised not to drink, but like normal, I ignored that, because I thought I’d be all right and I preferred the wine to the painkillers which I stupidly worried I’d form an addiction to!

It’s all about hindsight I guess, and while I can’t change anything that went before, I can be grateful for the change I put in place and how different I am now. I certainly appreciate the difference in my life, not just for me, but for those around me too.

Thank you as always for reading.

Much love,
Claire x