My Not So Secret Diary

Thinking Out Loud

Thinking Out Loud
I’ve been thinking, (I do that a lot), and I’ve realised something. As a complete over thinker, I have always felt a little jealous of those who can do their own thing without seeming bothered by what other people think of them. I’ve been envious of their ability not to care, when I feel judged or like I’ve done something wrong so much of the time. I always felt like the fact I was so sensitive meant there was something wrong with me, and to be honest, drinking quietened my mind so I didn’t think as much.

After I got sober things were a lot worse for a while, don’t get me wrong, quitting didn’t make them worse, but it meant I was confronting everything without that buffer of wine. So that’s something I’m working on, and I’m definitely a lot kinder to myself than I used to be.

It dawned on me this morning though, as I drove to work that there isn’t anything wrong with me. Moving through life robotically without getting emotionally attached isn’t the way I’m wired, but that isn’t a bad thing and it isn’t a weakness. I worry because I care and it’s sad to think I drank to hide that part of myself. But then looking back I wonder how I could have changed when I didn’t even realise.

Now, I’m grateful for who I am and how much I care. Yes, I worry, yes I wonder about almost everything, but I don’t think that’s a bad place to be, because it always comes from the right place. I always have good intentions and I’m always trying to do my best. I am not just going through the motions in a robotic manner, and I feel so much better than I ever did when I was drinking.
It doesn’t matter where you are at, just remember to keep going. Things have a habit of working themselves out when you put the effort in.

Much love as always,