My Not So Secret Diary


Me and Stan sobriety and recovery from alcohol dependency with Bee Sober Author and Ambassador Claire Hatwell writing blog My Not So Secret Diary AA Quitlit
I used to spend a lot of time waiting. I’m not sure what I was waiting for, but I think I thought when this ‘something’ happened then things would be different. I remember years ago when I was 12, thinking on my 13th birthday, life would change and I’d be grown up, a real teenager. Of course, when my birthday arrived, nothing changed except the number assigned to me. It was the same with many other things throughout the years, but I know it’s not just me that it applies to. For some it’s an event, like assuming when we get that job, that will make us happy. For others it’s an object that they set their heart on. Others see a relationship or a weight on the scales as the target to achieve to get them the feeling they long for.

The problem is for a lot of us, me included, when we finally get that thing, we can feel a certain amount of achievement, but often it feels flat very soon afterwards. I would tell myself when I was shopping that I needed the clothes I was buying, but they’d hang in the wardrobe afterwards, often not worn and they didn’t contribute to my feelings of happiness. I wanted to achieve things, but when I realised that my achievements didn’t matter to others as much as me, it seemed a little hollow. It’s weird when you lose your way a little, and try to fill the gaps with things. They usually don’t work, and can end up making you feel worse. I know, I tried a lot of things, but as we all know, none of those things, especially the wine, did anything to help me feel better!

We have to realise that we, individually, are enough. We are all different, we all can do different things, achieve different things, but that is what makes us interesting and useful. We shouldn’t feel inadequate when we don’t feel we measure up to other people, because it is likely the other people are thinking the exact same things about us. It’s only that neither of us realise it.

When I stopped drinking, it made me realise how much I relied on external sources to make me feel complete. I didn’t like feeling that way, and it took me a long time to rediscover myself and believe I was good enough on my own, but I’m slowly realising that I am. Sometimes the simple things in life are the things that really matter and those are the things I take the greatest pleasure in now.

So if you find yourself waiting for something to happen, remind yourself that you’re here now. That you’re living in this moment right now, and once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. We might as well try to enjoy it for what it is and be grateful that we have it.

Take care of yourselves.
Claire x