An Inspector Calls…
12 March. 2020 • Category: Family | Running | Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Mindfulness | Anxiety | Authenticity | Sobriety
Barn and me.
My 14 year old son Barn is sitting his English GCSE’s this year. He’s the third of my four to sit these exams so I know roughly what to expect, but that doesn’t make it any easier for him. Just before Christmas he came home to tell me there was a trip to the Theatre Royal in Plymouth to see one of the main plays in his syllabus, ‘An Inspector Calls’. He was interested in going, but by the time I’d logged onto the school’s online payment system not long after, all the available places had gone. He was disappointed, and me being me, I felt like I’d let him down by not getting him a place, even though there was little else I could do. I thought about it and suggested booking it separately and just the two of us going, I wasn’t sure if he would want to go with me or not, but he was happy to, as long as we went on a different day to the rest of the school.
I’d forgotten I hadn’t taken him to the theatre before. It’s something I used to love, and I often used to go with some of my friends, before, when an evening out involved wine. I took my daughter a few years back to see Hairspray which was fun, but even then I was a little preoccupied with wanting to get home afterwards for a glass of wine. I didn’t drink when I was ‘on duty’ as a mum, and not at all when I was driving, but that didn’t stop me wanting to. I always noticed what other people were drinking and felt envious of those who had something I didn’t.
Since I stopped drinking I have got out of the habit of going out. Everything has been a little harder than it was before. I felt for a long time, rightly or wrongly, that I’d be judged, and to be honest staying in felt safer and easier. When you’re in the habit of going home straight after work and staying in all evening, it takes quite a lot to change your habits. It’s scary, and pushes you out of your comfort zone, which is hard when you’re already feeling on edge. I’ve had to relearn a lot of routines and behaviours. I’ve had to acknowledge and sit with feelings I didn’t even know I had. It’s not all bad though. It’s just new.
Although I was looking forward to going out with Barn, I still had that familiar pull reminding me that it would easier to stay at home. I worried that I would be tired in the morning for work, I worried that I would be tired to make the drive home. But, as I try to do at the moment, I pushed myself. We went and it was great. As I said, Barn had never been before and it was lovely to enjoy the experience with him. He was surprised at how big the theatre was, and hadn’t see a live performance like that before so it was all quite new. I did let him down a bit though, only in that I’d promised him ice cream in the interval, and there wasn’t one. I’ll have to make it up to him next time!
I’ve read a couple of books by a writer called Jen Sincero. In one she said, “When you change who you’re being, you’re basically killing off your old identity, which completely freaks your subconscious out.” It’s true. It takes time to change, and you’re fighting against all your ingrained and learned habits that have been with you for years. Before, I always used to feel rushed to get home. I knew that waiting for me there was my familiar glass of wine. My reward at the end of the day. Things do change and although it has taken a lot of time, finally some things seem to be getting a little easier.
I often, although not as often as I used to, get a fleeting panic when it’s getting late at work or similar. I feel like I should be rushing home, but when I stop and think, I realise I have no reason for it. I used to worry about early mornings or late afternoon appointments because they might have affected my plans. Now, they don’t. I can pretty much do what I want to do and there’s no hangover or residual alcohol left hanging around upsetting things. It’s a good place to be. So if you are going through something similar, hang in there. There will be ups and downs, but it does get easier.
Thanks for reading!