27 March. 2020 • Category: Running | Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Mindfulness | Anxiety | Authenticity | Sobriety | Covid19
A month or so ago I finally gave in and admitted I needed some help with my anxiety. I’ve done everything I can by myself, but it’s exhausting to keep having to fight my mind at every turn. It can be something insignificant, or just a change in situation, but my mind circles and worries and blows things out of proportion escalating to panic attacks at times. I’ve always been interested in alternative therapies and actually trained as a holistic therapist years ago. Since giving up alcohol, I’ve tried to employ all manner of alternative ways of defusing my anxiety and keeping my mind calm. You name it, I’ve tried it, mindfulness, yoga, meditation, oils, crystals, walking, running, everything. They all help a little, but nothing takes the edge off my busy mind like wine used to.
Really, I should have gone a long time ago, but I don’t really trust doctors so I avoid at all costs if I can. Past experience has taught me that they don’t always listen and they don’t always help. However, I saw a physiotherapist a few months ago who suggested I saw someone about my mental health. She could clearly see I was struggling and I hadn’t expected that. She pointed out that I had a lot of coping strategies in place, and when they weren’t there, I struggled more. I listened but dismissed her. On my next appointment she suggested it again, and again I thanked her and told her I was okay. She was keen for me to see someone, so I felt it was easier to discontinue my appointments with her. Not long after, I had a phone call from the doctors surgery, asking me to make an appointment to follow up from a letter from the physio. I made the appointment, but cancelled it not long after, not wanting to waste it if someone else needed it.
Deciding I needed to finally address things I phoned and asked to see my doctor who was of course fully booked for the following two months. I explained to the receptionist about the physio referring me, and promptly burst into tears which I hadn’t expected. It takes a lot for me to ask for help and I find it so hard, so it makes me emotional. Anyway, the poor receptionist then conjured up a new appointment for me. My doctor is lovely, and was really helpful towards the end of my drinking, she was the one who prescribed my Antabuse which helped me finally kick it. Although it was a way off, it was a relief having the appointment, but of course, as I do, I began to convince myself that I didn’t really need it and that I was wasting their time. Usually I would have cancelled it, but this time I didn’t. The night before, I was certain I should cancel it, but I still didn’t. So I went. I waited for the doctor to tell me I was being silly, that I didn’t need anything to help me along, that maybe it was all in my head. But she didn’t. She listened and she seemed to understand.
I explained how things have been since I stopped drinking. How I am so much better, but I still have so far to go, that I don’t want to worry about ridiculous things that aren’t even going to happen, but it’s like my mind needs to. That sometimes it runs away with me. She didn’t judge and she didn’t tell me I was silly.
When I had my laser eye surgery last year, my surgeon recommended I take Diazepam for the day. It’s something I’ve been prescribed in the past before as a relaxant for the muscles in my neck which I damaged a long time ago but I don’t take, as I know how addictive they are and it frightens me. I don’t quite trust myself, given my history, so I prefer not to risk it. I did however take it on the day of my surgery and I was amazed at the effect it had on me. I still felt like me, just a calmer me. I expected to feel more out of it, and I was happy that I didn’t. That was one of the things that made me think going to the GP might be useful, that maybe there was a medication that could help. That was in November, but it took me until March to actually get there. The doctor understood my worries and offered me a few options of things. Apparently beta blockers can take away the physical symptoms of panic attacks, but I think now I’ve got a fairly good handle on that side of things, it’s just my mind that is too busy. So she went through some others, all non-addictive ones, so I don’t have to worry and then gave me a prescription.
It was so nice to finally be heard. I’ve asked for help from the doctors over the years and been brushed off. I told her that nothing quietened my mind like wine did and she listened, she didn’t tell me to pull myself together or any of that crap and it made me feel better.
So, we’ll see how it does. What I can tell you is that my mind currently feels the most quiet it has in a long time. I can concentrate on the TV again or on reading, without my mind wandering off somewhere else. I feel like me, just more relaxed. I’m glad I went before this whole crisis kicked off, it’s certainly helping me keep calmer! It’s good. So I hope it lasts. I’ll let you know.
Thanks as always.