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My Not So Secret Diary

Uneasiness

Uneasiness sobriety and recovery blog by Claire Hatwell called My Not So Secret Diary in Cornwall with my children and my dog out for a walk
The lockdown didn’t bother me at all to start with. Actually that’s not true. I worried about getting food (and toilet rolls) because it seemed there was such a shortage in our shops, but once we got into a routine with that and the panic buying settled down it didn’t bother me really.

I quite like being at home as long as my family are there too. There’s been a few times over the past few years when I’ve told Lee to come home and he’s waited a bit too long and got stuck. Last year snow wasn’t expected, and when it started to fall heavily at home I called him and asked him to come home. He left work, but not until he’d finished some bits he was working on, and ended up getting stuck with Joe on the A30 (the main dual carriageway across Cornwall) for over twelve hours with loads of other people and cars until the emergency services could clear the road and get it open again. It’s a pretty remote stretch across Bodmin Moor and hadn’t been salted. A local hotel ended up providing hot food for any one who could walk there along with makeshift beds, but Lee and Joe were too far away. It was a total nightmare, and like many they were there until the early hours of the morning. Once they got home though, the snow no longer bothered me. I’m funny like that, we don’t spend much time apart and I do like us all to be together in difficult situations.

Now though, entering what is it, week 7? I’m beginning to get a bit twitchy. I kind of want everything to go back to normal and yet I don’t. I also want us all to stay safe so I’m kind of happy for us to stay locked down as long as it needs to.

We aren’t exactly on top of each other, we’re lucky in that way, and yet, with no change of scenery we’re beginning to get a little bit snappy with each other. It’s not all the time and to be honest, it’s probably mostly me and Barn. We’re so similar and although that helps us understand each other well, I think sometimes it also has the effect of us winding each other up. We bought him a little electronic project off the internet a couple of weeks ago to keep him busy but it seems to have got even more delayed than we expected. He was told it would arrive a week ago tomorrow and it’s just gone back to London again, we’ve been watching it on the tracker. So that’s frustrating for him.

It’s funny how alike Barn and I are. We both take things too personally but sometimes I wish he’d let things go. I know how difficult that can be though. With Barn sometimes, it’s like he just needs to make a point, and that just makes me bite. But he’s a teenager, and that’s what they do. He’s also a very kind and considerate lad so it’s frustrating when he gets ratty. In fact I think all of our kids are all good, kind and thoughtful, it makes me proud of them. They just have their moments.

All in all it’s a crazy time for everyone isn’t it? No matter how safe we stay, nothing is right. I feel uneasy at night mostly for some reason. When it’s quiet, without distractions, my mind starts to whirr. It’s one of the many reasons I used to drink a lot in the evenings. Going for a run would probably help, but being honest, it’s the last thing I want to do. Taking the dog for a walk with the kids is more my pace at the moment. To be honest, I’m not that keen on going out at all at the moment. I don’t like having to avoid people and I find it hard trying to give people space when it isn’t reciprocated.

The sun is shining, and we’ve had a nice day today. We played some games, I wrote for a bit and we took our dog Miley for a walk, Stanley took his bike, it helps him keep up with us as his legs are so little! Tomorrow, I guess we’ll do it all again!

Thanks for reading.
Claire x

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