Today is my little man’s third birthday. It’s been lovely despite it being in lockdown. Thank goodness for online shopping making buying presents possible! This evening they’ll announce changes so it might be that it is our last day in lockdown.
Stanley woke up wanting birthday cake. We’d managed to get one which was good, but hadn’t had much luck with candles so we dug out three tea lights. He was happy enough to blow those out!
We’ve been doing the shopping for my Mum and Dad over the last few weeks and this week they added Stanley’s present to the list. We could have wrapped it ourselves but seeing how little we’ve seen anyone, and the fact that my parents and Stanley haven’t seen anyone else, we popped down today and did a socially distanced giving of presents. It’s so hard, he doesn’t understand why he can’t cuddle his grandparents and yet, we just want to protect everyone. We stayed in the garden, with plenty of distance, but it was nice for him to do ‘something’ for his birthday and for my parents to see him open the presents they got him.
We chatted for a bit before it was time to come away, and I surprised myself by realising how much harder it was or than I thought it would be. We took tea down in our own mugs so we didn’t contaminate anyone, and yet being there reminded me of sunny afternoons and you guessed it, wine. We laughed and joked, I guess it’s a bit strange for us all because we aren’t used to seeing anyone that we don’t live with, or maybe work with. As we left I strongly felt that I’d embarrassed myself, or said something stupid, it reminded me of exactly how I felt when I was on my way to having too much to drink. It reminded me of how I used to feel like I was funny, or clever, when actually I was just tipsy. I hate being reminded of that feeling. It’s almost as bad as when I wake up with a headache and wonder, just for a moment, if I have a hangover. It’s horrible that these little memories of past behaviour are still there to remind me of how I was back then. I thought they’d be long gone by now.
I felt quite emotional, and somewhat tearful after we left, although I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I didn’t really do or say anything bad. I felt like I’d irritated my eldest son particularly, which is probably just because he was hot and bothered, and quiet, so I felt like it was me, when it wasn’t. I’m not sure. I often think things are me, even when they have nothing to do with me.
I do know that it’s Stanley’s birthday, and while he has worn himself out playing with his marble run, and is currently asleep on me, that I don’t need to worry about my behaviour like I did, that I need to let it go and enjoy his day with him. I am a different person to the one I was before I had him. It’s hard to reconcile the me now with the me then. We are the same, but different, and it’s easy to forget until something springs up to remind you. But, I can’t change it, no matter how much I think about it, so I guess I’ll have to work through it. It’s just that some times are harder than other times.
Take care and thank you for reading.