SoberMe

My Not So Secret Diary

Habits

Habits I'm a creature of habit, spending time at the beach in Cornwall and writing for my sobriety blog, My Not So Secret Diary by Claire Hatwell
I have a little bit of an obsessive nature. It’s not always a bad thing, but it does mean I struggle to let silly things slide by. In many ways, I think my nature is partly to blame for my dependency on alcohol. If I’d been a little bit more balanced and addressed my mental health sooner, I wouldn’t have begun to self medicate in the first place.

Often, I know my habits are a bit daft, or at least would seem so to other people, but if I don’t do them, I can’t relax. It makes me feel physically uncomfortable. For example, the hoovering. I have to do it every day at least once without fail. It doesn’t matter if the house is tidy, or doesn’t need it, I just have to do it. Yesterday I think I counted five times. I know the first time can be justified, as I like to keep the house clean, but then if I see anything on the floor I have to do it again. I can’t even just do the bit that is ‘dirty’, I have to do the whole house again. It’s frustrating, and the only one that makes me do it is myself. I can justify it normally as I want to keep the house tidy in case anyone stops by, not that they often do, but at the moment no one at all comes besides the postman who runs away as quickly as he can. I don’t blame him though, I think I’d be exactly the same!

Another habit I have is washing my hair. Again, doesn’t it sound ridiculous? But, I can’t leave it more than a day, and that is at a push, in case it looks dirty and people think I don’t make an effort. I go to a lot of trouble to research different shampoos to try to limit the washing of my hair, but they never seem to work for me. So I wash and dry it every day. As it’s so long, it takes ages! I’m not having it cut though! Over the lockdown I’ve managed to stretch it to every other day, using my
Lush dry shampoo, but I just feel lazy and grubby if I leave it any longer. It’s like the fact that I have to put my eyeliner and mascara on every morning, despite the fact that I rarely see anyone other than family, and if I do, I’ve probably got my sunglasses on and they can’t even see it! It just makes me feel like I’ve made an effort.

I suppose, for me at least, it’s a coping strategy, a way to tick the boxes and make me feel like I’m doing the things I need to, even when I don’t see people, and I guess, that routine is all we have during lockdown, when all our normal routines are changed or missing, but, I’m also aware that sometimes I can’t rely on these little habits, and so I’m trying to push myself a little bit. I had full intention of not getting the hoover out today. I wasn’t going to do it. In the end, I did, but on the positive side, it wasn’t the first thing I did. Lee and Barn were cutting our hedges yesterday and a stray leaf found it’s way inside the backdoor. Once I’d see it I just felt uncomfortable, and had to do it.

I do find it funny how these silly little things can help us cope. Who would have thought such a small thing like hoovering, or putting on make up can settle my mind and stop me feeling uncomfortable!

Do any of you have little habits like this? Or am I the only crazy one? Happy


Take care and thanks for reading.
Claire x

💖💖💖