My Not So Secret Diary

Day 10

Day 10 sobriety and recovery from alcohol dependency with Bee Sober Author and Ambassador Claire Hatwell writing blog My Not So Secret Diary AA QuitlitYou may remember that I said my habits aren’t an addiction, I’m wondering if I should take that sweeping statement back. A couple of days ago my husband came home early. It’s not a big thing, but any thing, regardless of the size has the habit of knocking me a little bit off kilter. I did what I normally did though, I made a cup of tea, (no biscuits), and we talked about what we were going to have for dinner (no Coke). The thing is, I found myself getting properly grumpy with no real reason. It reminded me a lot of the, “I don’t want to drink but I do want to drink,” nights early in my sobriety.

I can push through but FOMO (fear of missing out) is hard. Even when I don’t actually mind what I’m missing out on. I’m not sure if it’s the idea of it, or the feeling I get from it? It’s very different to giving up alcohol, although strangely, it’s so similar too, all the same feelings of confusion, guilt and remorse are there, and yet, it’s only something small.

Distraction works. As do herbal teas. Thank you all for your ideas and support. It actually makes it easier talking about it, almost like it’s making me accountable for it, because I’d feel like I’m not only letting myself down, but also you too if I was to give in. I feel a little bit bad because my lovely daughter feels guilty eating chocolate around me, I’m just trying to be honest and tell her that it isn’t a problem, because it isn’t, I just need to be healthier and she shouldn’t have to worry about that. In reality I know I probably could even have one can of coke but I’m scared, because I know what I’m like. I’m afraid that because it takes me such a lot to get over the habits I have, one little slip will cause me to be back there again. So it’s easier to avoid it altogether, at least for now.

I think the lack of caffeine has affected my sleep a little bit, I seem quite disturbed at night, and also, I’ve been stressing out a lot, probably through things changing. My anxiety goes up and down depending on what’s going on in my life anyway, but this seems a little bit more. Busy days affect me more, as does doing things out of the ordinary. I suppose learning to live in lockdown was one thing, now learning to come out of it is another thing entirely, and it’s pushing me out of my little safety bubble. I worry about all manner of things, from saying the wrong thing, to seeing someone I haven’t in a while, at night thoughts run around my mind, and I often question what I’m doing. It was lovely though the other day, as in the midst of my chaos, I had a message from a friend, who has been reading my book. Giving one to her stressed me out as she knew me, in all my challenging times. We went out many a time, but those times always involved wine, and although we’ve seen each other since, in the back of my mind, I worry that I’m not good enough. Her message gave me the reassurance that I didn’t know I was looking for. It told me she understood and that it was okay, and that means a lot to me. Kind words seem so simple, and yet they mean such a lot. I find they help me let go a little of the past too and some of my mistakes.

We can’t erase the past, it’s what makes us who we are, but we can acknowledge it and move forward. Always remember to be kind to yourselves.

So, ten days and counting, no coke, no biscuits, no chocolate, no sweets. Feeling like a win to me!

Much love,
Claire x