My Not So Secret Diary

Pushing, but not too hard

Pushing But Not Too Hard
Speedy legs!

When I started running, two of our four kids started running too. Of the others, one was a baby, so I’ll let him off, and our eldest, a mountain biker couldn’t be persuaded to try two legs instead of two wheels. More recently he has passed his driving test, and become more of a car enthusiast, so I think I’ve missed my window there.

My middle two are quite keen though, and enjoy going to parkruns, and doing local races. You’ll have seen them pop up quite often in my photos if you follow me on Instagram. Katie is more than happy with 5k races, and isn’t interested in going further, although I did convince her to run 4.5 miles at The Remembrance Run which was great. It’s lovely to have her out with me, and recently she has been more confident to run on her own, so we’ve managed to sign up to a few races that have a choice of 5k or 10k depending on how many laps you choose to do. It’s fun to go to a race together, even if we aren’t running the whole thing together.

Recently someone stopped my husband at a race to ask if our son was a member of a club. They suggested he had a natural talent and he could do well with training. He isn’t, like me, he wasn’t sure whether an organised club would be too regimented for him, and whether he’d fit in. I looked around to see if there was something close to home for him, but our local clubs don’t cater for children, so it was tricky. I understand the need for children to have suitably supervised sessions, but in our area, there seems to bit a lack of serious clubs, for those that really want to progress.

More recently though Barn was approached by one of his PE teachers, a lovely lady who drives a minibus full of kids to their surf lessons every week after school, come rain or shine. Without that, they might not have got chatting about running outside of the confines of school. What came about was Barn being asked to represent his college at some local cross country races. So one Sunday we stood in the cold and watched the different age groups compete. It was brilliant!

One thing I’ve really noticed with both of my running kids, is the improvement in their self-confidence since they started running. It’s amazing seeing what a difference one activity makes to all areas of their lives. They both also marshal frequently at parkrun and that seems to have made a difference too. However, after Barn finished his race, he was so gloomy. He was disappointed he didn’t come first. I understand that, he often runs with me, often in races with people much older and he is fast. Competing with kids his own age who have been training for years was a surprise to him. And it knocked his confidence a little. His teacher introduced us to a coach, who would welcome him into their club, but Barn took a lot of convincing. He felt we were just being kind to him. However, eventually, especially after seeing the results, he realised we were telling him the truth. He’s joined the club, even though it’s not in his comfort zone. He’s been a few times now, working on his speed, rather than just his distance, as that seems to come naturally to him.

I want to be supportive, I want to tell him how proud we are, like we are of all our kids, but I really don’t want to put him off. The biggest thing for me is that they are happy. If he came last and enjoyed it, it wouldn’t bother me as long as he was happy. So I guess there is a fine line between pushing and encouraging. Getting him to join a club was a struggle, but now he knows what to expect, he is enjoying it. I wonder where his path will take him?

Thanks for reading!



Me and my lovely daughter.

When I stopped drinking I thought I was fixed. I thought I’d suddenly have a clear mind and a healthy body. It was strange to have so much time on my hands, but I thought it would be a good thing. (Drinking takes up a lot of time if you let it). Suddenly, I had time and space and it was like everything came crashing down. Not all at once, and not even hugely noticeable at the time, but like a dam, with a little water coming over the edge before finding a crack and seeping through, and one day washing the whole thing away.

People don’t warn you. You think the hard bit is giving up, and believe me, it is hard, but the thing is that it only works if you change too. Without a numbing agent my anxiety hit new highs and I was in a bad way for a while. While I felt good that I was no longer drinking, all that extra time gave me more time to think. I think a lot anyway, but suddenly I was going over and over old things, beating myself up about stuff I couldn’t change. I got lower and lower and my anxiety got higher and higher. It’s been hard to get back to where I was, although I’m not sure I’ll ever really be there, or that I even want to be. I was a different person then. Not a bad one, just not necessarily the one I want to be.

Sometimes I find ‘normal’ things overwhelming. I don’t take things in my stride like I should, but I’m getting there. Until recently, I hadn’t even realised how many safety nets I had put in place, so I didn’t end up feeling too challenged by an event or situation. Learning to risk things again, and letting myself try things without getting cross with myself has been a challenge, but I am getting there.

A wise and lovely lady once told me, “Don’t regret your past, it brought you to where you are today.” That meant a lot. It still does. Even on hard days and days when I remember my mistakes I am glad I am here, and that I am surrounded by my family, my lovely husband and our kids. I am one of the lucky ones.

Thanks as always for taking the time to read this.


Anxiety and New Eyes!

Anxiety and New Eyes
Running again!

So, last week I had my laser eye surgery. I’ve been thinking about it on and off for years, but money and the fact that I am VERY squeamish have put me off for a long time. It was pure chance that I saw an advert for a free no-obligation assessment, and decided to go. I didn’t think I’d be suitable, (for some reason I often seem to be the awkward one when there are criteria to meet), and I wasn’t sure if we would be able to afford it so I didn’t get too excited.

The thing with thinking something won’t happen is that you don’t get too excited about it, at least I don’t, as I am almost expecting it to go wrong, or not happen. Even when I was given my date for surgery and had met the surgeon I tried to stop myself getting carried away, I assumed it might be cancelled, or would snow and I wouldn’t get there!

I was so nervous, I didn’t even know in honesty whether I’d be able to go through with it. I have a habit of working myself up, and although I try not to think of things in worst case scenarios, all too often, my head has raced ahead to the ‘what if’s’ before I have a chance to catch up.

I’m still not quite sure how, but I got through it, and the relief I felt immediately in the recovery room was immense. I cried. I do a lot of that. When I saw my husband he was worried and thought I was hurting, but it was relief! Relief that I’d done it and relief that almost immediately I could see so much better.

I hadn’t anticipated the after effects knocking me so much though. The pain went, and although the lights had to be dim that evening, I felt okay. It was just thinking about my eyes that made me cringe. Sleeping with my googles on was supposed to protect my eyes but I was so nervous of knocking them and doing some damage.

After a couple of days, I knew that they’d be getting stronger, but if I thought too much about what they had done, I felt awful. Even closing my eyes too tightly made me nervous! After a week I was allowed to wear makeup again, and though I don’t wear a lot, I don’t really like to go out without eyeliner and mascara, I feel a bit bare without it. It was fine, I felt like me again, until the evening came and I had to take it back off!

Today it a turning point though, I went for my first run, since the day before the surgery. That’s the longest I haven’t run, well since I started running! It was only 2.6 miles, but it was fab to stretch my legs, fab to see where I was going and my eyes remained where they were supposed to be!

All in all, it’s been a funny old week, but I am super glad I faced my fears and did it.

Thanks for reading!


Being a Hi-Vis Hero!

Being A Hi-Vis Hero
Me and my son.

When I was younger I used to enjoy volunteering for things. Perhaps I saw it as a way into something or a way up the career ladder. I’m sure I always had a reason.

When I started running I found out about parkrun. For those of you who don’t know, parkrun is a free initiative across the world where you turn up and run, walk or jog 5k. They are at 9am across the world every Saturday morning. All you need is a barcode (free) and you can have your time recorded each week. Most people have one pretty close by, even if they don’t know about it.

I was shocked to realise that there were two parkruns close to my home, and more that were in easy travelling distance, but even more shocked to realise that they were all run, every week by volunteers. I couldn’t imagine what these people got out of it, surely they had better things to do than volunteer every week? Surely they would all prefer to be out there running?

Well as I may have said, I started running in June 2018. That summer after a lot of persuasion I started parkrunning as a means to get myself out more and build myself up to my first 5k race which was in October 2018. It was a great way of improving but I always felt a little bit lacking on the community side. I don’t run with a club and thought it would be nice to have a social side to it. I struggled to break the ice at parkrun though, beyond saying hello to familiar faces.

My son started his Duke of Edinburgh Award at the start of the last school year, and to start with I still ran each week while he took on different roles. Then one week I saw the roster looking empty and before I thought too much about it, I put my name down. I don’t know what I was expecting, and certainly nothing hit me straightaway, but after a few weeks, I realised that I no longer felt like an outsider. Parkrun suddenly started to feel a little bit like it was mine too. It no longer mattered that I didn’t know anyone, it didn’t matter that I wasn’t the fastest. Instead, I was part of the community, I was out there, helping to make an event happen, come rain or shine. That feels pretty good.

Thanks for reading!


Runway Run

Runway Run
A runway full of runners. I'm on the right near the silver van!

Am I the only one who panics before and sometimes during a run? I think it’s getting worse. Or maybe it’s just because I’m going further and am usually a bit faster? I don’t know. All I know is that it used to be hard to get out or to get to the start line. Now, even when I do that I struggle. It honestly seems like my mind is out to get me. I feel like I won’t be able to do it, that I’ll have to stop and I won’t be able to finish whatever distance it is I’m trying to do. Even if it’s something I know I can comfortably do.

A couple of weekends ago I ran The Cornwall Air Ambulance Runway Run with my son. Last year it was the first official race I booked for us to do, although due to bad weather it was postponed and we ran another race first. Anyway, it was our ‘first’ 5K and we raised a lot of money for the Air Ambulance New Helicopter Appeal. I struggled on that race, because it was so flat, there weren’t any hills where I could comfortably slow down for a minute to catch my breath. It was cold too and I felt so slow. It wasn’t until I finished that I realised that I had clocked one of my fastest ever 5k times.

This year they didn’t offer the 5k option and knowing we could both happily run 10k I signed us both up. I didn’t realise it was an 8am start and of course we had to be there before that, so it was still quite dark! But it makes sense that they got the runners clear of the runway before the airport opened for the day. The sun came up and it was a dry day as we waited for the race to start, which was lovely as we had been experiencing pretty much non-stop rain before that. We met some other members of our running club and waited with them, I knew I wouldn’t be as fast as they are, but it was nice to be part of the group.

The race itself was interesting, it went up and down the runway, and in and out alongside some of the hangars. The difficulty with it being so open is that you could see many of the people in front and behind you, so it almost felt like we weren’t moving. There were more inclines than I expected from a runway, but in hindsight it makes sense that they were there for drainage. At one point I saw my son and a friend coming back the other way and we waved, he was just flying along effortlessly as he does. I have no idea how he does it! Meanwhile, I started to think too much and began to really struggle for breath. The more I thought, the more I realised I couldn’t get a breath, which made me panic more. I properly scared myself before managing to get it under control and pull myself back. I managed to keep running, and luckily as it was so busy, I fell into step with some other runners. Concentrating on the sound of our feet really helped.

At one point as we ran beneath the wings of several airplanes, all belonging to Thomas Cook, they seemed to be parked there for storage. It’s sad to think of a company that was around for so long disappearing like it did and it was eerie to be beneath them. Last summer we went to Spain with Thomas Cook, we weren’t one of the many families affected by the company’s closure, but it was sad to think that it may have been one of the last holidays provided by the company.

So, like many people, I struggle with anxiety amongst other things. Running helps but it isn’t a cure, yet. I guess I’ll just keep on keeping on. There isn’t much else I can do! Oh, and would you believe, for that race, I only went and got a 10k PB! Happy

Thanks for reading.