I’ve come to learn that even after five years of sobriety, things will come up and bite me on the arse when I’m least expecting it. Even though I’m half expecting it, it doesn’t make it any easier.
The last few weeks have been a challenge, we’ve had a lot going on at home and work, and I suppose, it’s just been a lot. We had some people over for dinner in the week, and it’s the first time in a long time that I caught myself thinking a drink would be nice. It wouldn’t, and I knew that in all honesty, I suppose it was just the idea of it. Being social for a long time for me involved wine, and with covid and not seeing people, I haven’t really had to challenge myself too much. It really wasn’t that I wanted a drink, it was just that it’s what I always would have done. It would have taken the nervous edge off, and I would have been relaxed. But, and this is the big but, that relaxed appearance wouldn’t have been me, it would have been the alcohol numbing me, and giving a false sense of relaxation that wasn’t there. Now I know I said a couple of stupid things that evening, because I have a habit of speaking without thinking, but I also know exactly what I said. I know I didn’t say anything to upset anyone and I didn’t have to worry about that the next morning which is something I’m always grateful for.
Coupled with that, a podcast episode I was interviewed for was released this week. After I recorded it I was pleased, but as the air date got closer, I worried that I’d said something wrong. I’m often afraid that I’ll get something wrong, and it does make me worry. I’m so proud to work with Bee Sober, so I’m pleased to do the podcast, but I guess it opens me up to criticism. I question whether I’m saying the right thing, and whether I should even be doing what I’m doing at all. You might ask why I still continue to put myself out there when I question myself so much, but it’s because I want to help. I remember what it was like to feel isolated, and cut off from ‘normal’ people, and I want others to know that it’s okay, that there is a way out.
Anyway, I’m feeling better today. We went out for the day yesterday, and had a lovely meal last night. Restaurants don’t trigger me funnily enough, and I had a lovely elderflower drink, which was way better than any alcohol. I finally managed to listen to my podcast last night in bed and I wasn’t horrified by anything I’d said, so that’s okay too.
I think I judge myself far more harshly than anyone else does, but I’m trying to ease up a little. Some days are harder than others, but even after a wobbly week, I wouldn’t want to go back, it’s much better being on this sober side of the fence.
Take care of yourselves,