30 November. 2022

Welcome to my diary, for past months please use the navigation bar to the left.

Christmas

25 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

We had the best night out last night at @marinersinrock - brilliant food, superb service and fantastic drinks.
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A few years ago I would have really struggled to go into a situation where other people were drinking but with so many choices available last night, I didn’t need to worry and the staff had a great knowledge of alcohol free options.
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Thanks to the team for looking after us so well!

Silly Season

23 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

Silly season is nearly upon us and our work Christmas party is coming up. It should be good, it’s informal, just our team and seeing as I organised it, I’ve kept it simple. The problem is, planning and doing are two very different things and try as I might, I can’t stop myself worrying about the what if’s. It’s not that I’m worried about drinking or rather not drinking, it’s more the social aspect. Maybe I wonder if I’ll be boring? I certainly worry that I’ll cry. I often do when I get overwhelmed and I hate it. Before, a few years ago I mean, I wouldn’t have worried. I would have had at least one drink (bottle) before I went out and then I’d forget about all my worries. It took the edge off but I hated that I felt the need to use alcohol to cope. I was always embarrassed afterwards but I never managed to learn from my mistakes and my ‘just one’ always tipped into more.
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That’s the thing now I guess, I may be nervous of all the things that probably won’t happen, but I know I’ll be there one hundred percent, completely me, whether other people like it or not. And I’m learning to be okay with that too. Not everything is my fault, but, if someone doesn’t like me, that doesn’t have to be my problem.
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I’m going to take a deep breath, and go out to enjoy myself. I’ll let you know how I get on.

Being Caught (but in a good way)

11 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

Women. Claire Hatwell author and sober blogger, My Not So Secret Recovery, My Not So Secret Guide to Recovering.

I’ve always said I’m not a particularly peopley person. When I think more about it, I feel like my defence. If you don’t put yourself out there, then no one can judge you or make you feel less than. And for some reason, probably because I feel that way about myself sometimes anyway, I expect other people to do that too. Lately though, as you may have seen, I’ve been putting myself ‘out there’ more. I’ve tried to connect with people, and not hold back as much. When someone hasn’t smiled at me, I’ve tried not to assume it’s me, and instead wondered what happened to them that day to make them feel bad. I’m trying to be more compassionate and open, not just with others, but with myself too.
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Yesterday I had to meet up with some other mums, as I’ve joined the PTFA. We went for coffee to talk about fundraising and typically as is normal for me, I could have found any number of reasons to stay at work. It would have been easier for me to do anything rather than go, but if I’ve said I’ll do something, I will, so I did. And you know what? It wasn’t awful or terrible or anything. In fact, it was lovely. We chatted about just about everything and I felt a genuine connection with these lovely ladies. I felt so comfortable that I told them some stuff I haven’t spoken about at all, and then due to the relief of getting it off my chest, I cried. I could have been embarrassed or hidden my feelings, but despite my fears, these lovely ladies caught me. They surrounded me with love and made me realise I’m okay. We shared some stories and I was reminded that we all have our troubles and difficulties, and often what the outside world sees is just a small part of that, just the bits we choose to show, but there’s often a lot more to the picture. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t walk away regretting what I’d said, or feeling a fool, I felt properly understood and accepted. I’ve never had a close group of female friends, but if this is what it’s like, then I’ve decided I’m going to keep them.

Drum and Bounce

07 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

I made myself a promise to do new things. Not going to lie, I find it hard. Sometimes I even agree to do things and then wish I hadn’t and worry about going. But then, if nothing changes, then nothing changes and I don’t want to be stuck. Last week I let my daughter convince me to join her at her drum and bounce class. Tonight I actually had to go. It was crazy… disco lights, drum sticks and dance music. My coordination is shocking, but I had so much fun! I think I may ache tomorrow, but then at least I know I worked hard! Here’s to getting out and trying new things!

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What new hobbies have you found recently?

My Book

07 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

It never gets old to see my book being shared by others. Thanks @drinklessdivas - so glad you enjoyed it!

Inspiration

06 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

Steven Bartlett. Claire Hatwell author and sober blogger, My Not So Secret Recovery, My Not So Secret Guide to Recovering.

I love these words from Steven Bartlett - he hasn’t posted them directly in relation to addiction, but wow, they apply!

Bonfire Night

05 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

Bonfire Night. Claire Hatwell author and sober blogger, My Not So Secret Recovery, My Not So Secret Guide to Recovering.

Bonfire night family fun

Sober weekends are the best, fun, good times and all the memories with no sore head.

Clocks

04 November. 2022 • Category: Addiction | Mental Health | Recovery | Anxiety

Woodburner, fire, Victorian home, Claire Hatwell author and sober blogger, My Not So Secret Recovery, My Not So Secret Guide to Recovering.

The clocks changed this week. That was always a trigger for me. The dark evenings gave me an excuse to open a bottle of wine a little bit earlier, as if the darkness meant it was later. It's different now. I don't spend my time drowning out my feelings, instead I'm present. I enjoy simple things, the nightly habit of building a fire in the log burner, making sure the wood is positioned right to catch, and watching it slowly burn. It needs concentration, and attention. Before I wouldn't have had either. Sometimes it's the simple things.

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My Not So Secret Diary