My Not So Secret Diary

My Anxious Mind

My Anxious Mind

I’ve struggled this week. It always starts in the same way, I feel a little more tired than normal. I feel a bit vacant, like I’m detached from everything and everyone, almost like I’m watching my life happen on the TV, going through the motions, but not really here. I know I am sensitive and anxious but I am a lot better than I used to be. In fact it is more of a surprise when I feel unusually low, there were times when I felt like it all the time. I know I’m on a bit of a downward spiral when things begin to get to me a little more than they should, and when I say that, I know that I shouldn’t let them, I know not everything is meant to offend or upset me. I just can’t seem to shake them off and things get through whether I want them to or not. On days like this I find everything harder, whether it be seeing purpose in what I do or thinking I am a rubbish Mum. I hate feeling this way because I know I am lucky, I have a lovely husband and kids, a dog and a home. I know many people don’t and feeling like this almost makes me feel self-indulgent, although if I could stop myself feeling like it, I would.

Yesterday my middle two had a bit of a disagreement. Much as I try to encourage them they aren’t good at talking to each other and I find it really sad. On this occasion they both decided to make their points, clearly trying to get a reaction but instead woke the littlest one up. I know they didn’t do it on purpose to annoy me, but that’s what it did and instead of reacting as I should and being calm, it just upset me. I felt like a failure as a mother because of their lack of communication and respect for each other. I know they are tired, they just started the new school year and a lot is being asked of them, but I don’t think I ask a lot from them, just really a bit of decency towards everyone else in the house. Maybe that is too much to expect from 14 and 16 year olds? Later when my eldest came home, a similar conversation occurred between him and me. Again I know he is tired, but do you know what? So am I! He always seems to be on the defensive with me, and it makes it hard to have a proper conversation with him.

Instead of seeing these things as just the little hiccups they are, I take them to heart, worrying about what I could have done to help the situation, and feeling like a lot of it is my fault. My mind whirs and I can’t keep my thoughts still, it’s almost like I need something to worry about at this point, and soon I was skipping about between worrying about money and replaying over and over something my mother-in-law had said to me earlier in the day.

Meditation helps, but when my mind is chaotic I find it hard to focus. Running helps, but on days like these I struggle to get out, feeling like people will laugh, that they’ll all be looking at me, that I am stupid for even thinking I am a runner. So I curled up under a blanket with my husband and tried to lose myself in a book. It was hard, my mind was busy and it kept wandering off, but I kept at it, and although I picked a lot of fault with the book, it did help focus me and stop the chatter in my head.

Any one else get days like this?

Thanks for reading.