My Not So Secret Diary


I’ve been busy recently, so it’s been a little harder to find time to write. Not only am I trying a few things out for myself, but I’ve also gone back to work pretty much full time. I hadn’t been looking forward to it to be honest. As you’ve probably worked out, I have a tendency to build things up, to worry about them before anything has happened, and to generally blow things a little out of proportion.

I haven’t worked full time since I gave up drinking… when everything was different. Since then I’ve had rather a large meltdown, had a baby, and crawled my way back out of the darkness. But, I hang on to a lot of memories, I beat myself up about things that I’ve done, and worry about how I’m perceived. It makes things harder, because a lot of the time, when other people have moved on, I haven’t. I’m working on letting things go and realising that not everyone is out to get me.

I work with my family, my husband, our eldest son and my in-laws as well as several employees. It’s part of the reason I’ve been able to be so flexible with my hours, but it’s also meant at times things have been more stressful than they would in a ‘normal’ job, boundaries that would be there normally aren’t which can makes it difficult, but there are positives too. And that’s the bit that I sometimes forget about, and fail to see.

The idea of coming back in has stressed me out, because being part time, much as I didn’t want to admit it, I felt a little out of the loop. That feeling didn’t make me want to come back in and I was happy doing my own thing. I’m busy at home too, like many Mums are. The housework and cleaning don’t do themselves, and with four kids, there is a lot of washing to do. I’m not complaining, but there is only so much time in the day!

I’ve also been enjoying writing and doing things for myself. For the first time in a really long time, I feel pretty good, content and happy in myself. It feels great and I don’t want to rock the boat. It’s taken me four years to get here, so it’s a little scary to think it could go wrong. Before, stress made me want to drink, and now I have other ways to cope. I’m careful though because I have no intention of ending up where I was before.

Stanley started pre-school at the beginning of September, so it seemed logical that I’d increase my hours again too. Much as it made me nervous, I didn’t want to let anyone down by saying no. I was worried how the longer days would affect me, but the funny thing is that I’m enjoying it far more than I thought I would. Being there more often makes me feel more part of the team than I did before. I’ve taken on more, and I’m coping. Actually, more than coping, I’m enjoying it. I always took things home with me, but now I find I’m actually content to stay in the office. It’s an odd feeling for me, but I quite like it.

The photo is from just before lockdown, when we hadn’t yet closed, but were not running at full capacity, and because having a small person chilling out on my desk made me smile. Even though he was watching a lot of Hey Duggee on Cbeebies!

This is just a reminder that things don’t always work out the way you think they might, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good. Sometimes embracing change, even when it’s challengin is a good thing.

Take care,
Claire xx