My Not So Secret Diary


Reminiscing about drinking. Sobriety blog by Claire Hatwell called My Not So Secret Diary, writing about sober living in Cornwall
Even now, after all this time, I find myself questioning if I was really ever that bad… It’s funny because as I’ve said before, I don’t miss drinking, but, that doesn’t mean I don’t still remember.

Sometimes it seems that romantic idea or attachment is still there. I think because one of my sons has recently started working at a restaurant and often helps out on the bar, we’ve been talking more about drinking in the house. It’s not a conscious thing, just discussing his shift, and what he did. He’s been learning the different drinks and even brought home a wine list which he was showing me, it’s strange how much it brings things back.

I’m not longing for a glass of wine by any means, and I’m not sitting here wishing I had a glass of wine in my hand, (it’s late evening and I’m enjoying a lovely cup of tea), but I have caught myself absentmindedly thinking about it. For something I haven’t drunk in a long time, it’s weird how clearly I can remember the smell. Oddly, I find that more alluring than the taste. I reckon I’d be surprised now at how acidic it tastes. Not that I’m going to try.

I remember when I was young and wanting to drink to be cool, because that’s what people did. My first thoughts were that it was pretty disgusting, but I persevered, because I wanted to fit in. I pushed through the bad taste and convinced myself I liked it, in a way that I couldn’t with coffee, even though I wanted to like that too, mostly because they all drank it on ‘Friends’. Funnily enough, I don’t drink coffee now either, but I wasn’t ever addicted to it and I don’t ever catch myself guiltily thinking about it at odd times. I suppose that is what years of ingrained behaviour will do for you.

The thing is, that now, while I might remember how that glass felt in my hand, the smell and the idea of it, I know that isn’t where it would stop. I know that one ‘little’ sip wouldn’t be enough, and a small glass wouldn’t either.

Maybe it’s because it’s coming up to my ‘soberversary’ that I’m much more aware of how far I’ve come. It’s almost like it’s made me more aware, but still, it is different from before because although I have memories, I don’t actually want to drink anymore, and that is a big change.

Anyway, I might have had a few random thoughts of wine sniffing, but as for wine tasting, I’m not going to go there. I think that being more aware of drinking probably serves to make me more mindful that I don’t get complacent, and slip up, which is great because recovery is not a battle I want to have again.

I’ve already drunk more than a lifetime supply of wine, so I think I’ll leave it there.

Thank you as always for reading.
Claire x