SoberMe

My Not So Secret Diary

Instant Gratification

Instant Gratification walking on the beach with my two sons in Cornwall before the lockdown for coronavirus in the covid_19 pandemic and writing about it on my sobriety blog My Not So Secret Diary
Beach day before the lockdown.

I didn’t think lock down or quarantine would bother me. I didn’t think it would happen for one thing, because I didn’t think the virus would be as bad as it is, but I also thought that it would be a threat that wouldn’t be carried out, to try and encourage us to stay at home more than we were. Pandemics like the one we are experiencing at the moment are the sort of thing that happens to other people, or on TV, it’s unlikely that they’ll affect us. Until they do.

As I said, I didn’t really worry. Which is strange for me, but I looked at it like as long as we have enough food, and we can work from home if needed, then what is there to worry about? My main concern is that we were all together. We can go out for a bit of exercise so really, it felt like it might be similar to an extended Christmas holiday. Normally that’s the only time we get off work and school together at the same time to be at home. You might remember that I work with my husband and our eldest son, so work is a bit more ingrained in our lives that just a job where we work for others. It’s hard to leave it alone. Christmas is the only time we shut down and for a week it’s peace. Nothing is happening without our knowledge so my husband doesn’t have to worry. Of course though, it isn’t really like that at the moment.

I’ve tried to be positive, I think it’s important, and like I’ve said before, I think a lot of us need this break, just a chance to get off the treadmill of life so to speak and slow down. Occasionally though I panic a little, mainly when I remember we don’t know how long this is for, and that worries me. A summer without going to the beach scares me. It’s just the simple things really, like taking the kids to the beach, swimming in the sea, or surfing, walking more than just near my home, taking the family up on to the moor. We don’t know when we can do any of these things again. But, we have to remember, this is all worthwhile, and by staying in we are protecting our communities and further afield. It’s not like we are all being asked to contribute in any other way, the majority of us are literally being told to stay at home and other than that we can do as we please.

It’s strange for most of us to live under these circumstances though. Unless you live off the grid, which I actually quite like the sound of, most people have a fair bit of human interaction outside their home. Largely, we are able to get what we want, when we want it. The shops showed us that with their lack of stocks when a lot of people tried to bulk buy in the days before the lockdown. People wanted, so they bought. We aren’t used to not having the things we feel we need, and don’t feel comfortable going without. I’m guilty of it too though. Years ago, I used to love shopping. I don’t so much now, I go more when I need something rather than for an aimless wander around the shops, but I still manage to have the things I need. With mail order we don’t even need to leave our homes anymore. Except even the majority of those have closed now. My eldest son has been taking the opportunity of the down time to work on his car, he was spray painting a panel, but has run out of paint and is struggling to get any more. He, like the rest of us isn’t used to not being able to get what he wants as and when he wants it. I don’t even have to go to the book shop any more, since I’ve had my Kindle, if I want a book I just look for it and less than a minute later, I have it.

I think we take for granted what we have, and how little we have to do normally to get the things we do. Of course it costs money, but the majority of us don’t have to put much effort into growing our food, it’s just there, and now we have to think a little bit more. When you have to queue to get into a supermarket, and queue to pay when leaving, after walking around a one-way system in the store, it becomes a little more important to plan what you have and when to go out, rather than just ‘popping to the shop’ as we are used to doing.

I don’t think this crisis will change us all in such a way that we will revert to living off the land, but I do hope it makes us appreciate what we have access to, and what we are able to do a lot of the time without even thinking about it. I hope it will help to change us for the better.

Take care, and thank you for reading.

Claire x

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Compassion

Compassion running with my son in his phil and ted running buggy in Cornwall during coronavirus and covid-19 lockdown and writing about it on my sobriety blog. My Not So Secret Diary
Smiley Stanley mid-run with me.

If you look closely at the moment, we are surrounded by doom and gloom. There is a horrible virus that we have no cure for. Many people have died or are dying and due to the contagious nature of the disease, people can’t even be with their loved ones at the end. It really brought it home to me a few days ago when I saw on the news that a 13 year old had died. He had been alone as his family weren’t allowed in. I can’t imagine the pain that family are in. I totally understand the need for everyone to protect themselves, but as a mother with a child of a similar age, I cannot imagine not being there if he was in pain. Not being able to say goodbye. It is heartbreaking.

Everything seems different at the moment, from the way our social lives have been limited to the way we are restricted in our distance from each other when outdoors. I’ve noticed a wariness in people, and to be honest, I don’t go out much. I tend to spend more time in the garden, but when I am out running people give me a wide berth, and I do the same for them. On one hand it is lovely to see everyone being so respectful and considerate, but on the other hand, I wonder whether we are actually creating more division? It seems that as well as the distance between bodies, that it is less likely for people to make eye contact and wave, and that makes me sad. Out of habit I smile and say, “Hello” or “Morning!” to other people when I see them out and about, but I seem to be getting less and less back, as if catching my gaze might be infectious.

Yesterday I was feeling stressed and over-anxious. My medication is helping a great deal but sometimes I still get twitchy. Running calms me, but I don’t necessarily see the benefit when I run regularly, it’s more that I notice the effect it has when I don’t run. My husband has taken over our conservatory, and is working at home at the moment, so he saw me circling and very quickly suggested I go out for a run. I must be easy to read! I didn’t feel like running on my own and all the teenagers were still in bed, so I strapped Stanley into the running buggy and off we went. I thought he could do with a change of scene as he hadn’t been out in a week, other than in the garden. Even though we are able to go out for our daily exercise, to be honest, I’m not that keen to go out and fairly happy to stay in a lot more than I would do normally. Of course, I told you that Stanley is worried that the ‘nasty bug’ is actually a lady bird that is going to get him, but being in the buggy I thought he would be fairly safe, and unable to touch anything. I had forgotten how loud he is! (And heavy!) We got to the end of our road and ran down the hill, passing some assisted living flats where a gentleman was looking out of his balcony. Stanley just shouted out, “Hello!” and waved. I’m normally a bit embarrassed about him shouting, but it was so lovely to see the man’s face light up, and we had a quick chat from a distance before carrying on. There weren’t many people out, but to everyone we saw or passed Stanley shouted and waved. It was sweet to see the reactions and smiles, even if it was from a way off.

The world is a funny old place at the moment, for everyone, regardless of their situation. On the whole the British are known for their stiff upper lip and their keep calm and carry on attitude. I get it, we need to do it, but we don’t have to limit our interactions totally either, do we? We’re still people, and even for those of us that have people at home the world has changed considerably. Our interactions are suddenly limited to those we live with, however many or few that may be. Days merge into the next, even when we keep ourselves busy, and we still don’t know how long this will go on for. People are lonely, and a little bit adrift without their daily routines. We’re asked to think about our older relatives, but what about those who aren’t older, or don’t have anyone to check on them? What about the people who just want to see a smiling face as they go about their business? Even popping to the shops isn’t the social activity it used to be. It’s hard work, or at least it is in my local supermarket, with one way systems and floor spacing marks set out.

We need to protect ourselves but we need to remember that we are part of a wider community and not isolate ourselves beyond all reach. Ultimately, we are all humans, so let’s try to remember to spread some kindness where we can.

Take care, and thank you for reading.
Claire x

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My Not So Secret Diary




Remembering

Remembering proud of my sobriety and living a sober life and writing about it on my blog outside in cornwall on Bodmin Moor My Not So Secret Diary
On the moor - before the lockdown.

This quarantine has been a bit strange so far. As I’ve said before, I am very glad at this time, during all this chaos, that I don’t drink anymore. It wouldn’t be my friend and it wouldn’t make things better. Instead it would have given me another thing to worry about, another thing to try and go out to buy and of course the worry that I’d not be myself as I should be. That my mind would be numbed and elsewhere.

I suppose what surprised me was how that feeling of remembering a ‘nice’ drink is still there, even after all this time, and even when I don’t actually want to drink. It catches me out. I’m not writing this because I’m worried or concerned I’ll drink again, I honestly don’t think I would. However, I do think it’s good to address that those feelings are there still. I want to talk about it to let anyone reading this know that they aren’t alone in those thoughts, and it’s okay. Just because you remember, does not mean you have to relapse. It doesn’t mean you have to give in to your demons, whatever they may be and it doesn’t mean you are weak.

For me sunny relaxed late afternoons and evenings in the garden often used to mean having a glass or two of wine. (I’m being modest, we all know it never stopped there.) We have a nice barbecue outside and we like to cook and eat outdoors whenever the weather is nice enough. (By we I mean I like to watch my husband cook). We were fortunate enough to have some lovely sunny and warm weather at the beginning of our Covid-19 lockdown, and wanting to make these strange times as good as we could, we spent a lot of time outside with the kids. I built dens with Stanley, and he rode his bike around. Barn played with the dog and Katie moved from the sofa to the grass with her phone. It was lovely to make the most of it, and enjoy it, especially as it’s got colder now, but at the same time, I was surprised at how many old feelings it brought up. It was only later as we spoke about dinner that I had that feeling of wanting a glass of wine. I suddenly felt like that would be the thing to complete the evening and as normal, as soon as I’d shifted that thought it was followed by a bit of sadness that I wouldn’t be able to experience that again. The sadness never lasts for long now, it’s just a fleeting thing, but it is annoying.

I don’t worry now about drinking again. I never thought I would say that, but I can. Even saying that though, I am surprised how there are still little things that set me off. I don’t miss drinking, but sometimes, I miss that feeling of being the same as other people. I have a lovely time without it though. It doesn’t change anything really, it certainly doesn’t make me any more fun, or make an evening any better. In fact I know now, without a shadow of a doubt that I am a better person without it, so I guess that is why I’m so surprised when I get that little bit of glass envy. Your mind is a funny old thing isn’t it? I mean to remain wired so strongly for something for such a long time.

My message in this is the same though to all of you, just keep doing what you’re doing and we’ll get there.

Stay strong everyone and thank you.
Claire x

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Public Service Announcement

A little reminder that we are only allowed out for one form of exercise per day! Is it just me who hears the music from the advert playing when they read it?! (Sorry to the runners out there for the use of the word jog!)

You wouldn't go for a second run My Not So Secret Diary

A Slower Pace of Life

A Slower Pace of Life, making the most of the covid-19 lockdown to spend time with my family outside and at home in Cornwall, writing about it for my blog My Not So Secret Diary
Den building in the garden with my little man Stanley.

I feel a bit naughty saying this, but I’m going to because it’s true. Although it’s weird and it’s taking some getting used to, I don’t think I can be the only person who is actually enjoying the change at the moment? The daily hustle and bustle has gone. The reasons I had to be up and rushing around, making sure things were done before aren’t there right now. Even work is closed for us at the moment, and while it is worrying to be unsure about the future, it does enable us to slow down a little bit.

Nothing can be rushed, because there is very little to do, and because it isn’t, I feel like I am able to slow down and appreciate things a bit more. I spend a lot of times with our kids anyway, but at the moment, I feel like we’re spending even more together. Two of the kids have online lessons and work for school and college, but it’s flexible and not taking a priority and at the moment they are officially on their Easter holidays so they even have a break from that. The big one doesn’t have work and the little one doesn’t have nursery, so we are all at home.

It helps that the weather is nice at the moment, the sun always makes me feel better, but I feel like I can just take things steadier. I’m getting up and going for a run, doing yoga, enjoying time with the kids in the garden and reading. I read a whole book yesterday! Now I don’t plan on doing that everyday, but it was nice to get sucked in by a good book and be able to enjoy it! The house work is done, but it doesn’t feel like the most important thing to do besides work at the moment. It may sound a bit daft, but I am especially enjoying the time I have to do the simple things like pegging the washing out on the line and watch it dry, rather than bunging it all in the tumble drier.

It’s so easy to spend our time rushing from one thing to another. We are always trying to achieve, and complete things, our modern lives are just so busy. It’s lovely not to feel like there is something else I should be doing and so I’m taking advantage and making the most of it. I’m writing this at the moment from my sofa, sat with my two of my boys, Barn next to me and Stanley under my arm, watching the TV. They grow so fast, it’s nice to slow down and enjoy them.

I think we all need it, just the chance to stop. I’m not saying it’s easy, it certainly wasn’t for us. We all are hard wired to be part of the world we live in and it’s weird not to have things when we want them, not to be able to go out to the shops, or out where and when we choose, but I think this enforced slowing down will make us all appreciate the things we have when things go back to normal in the future. Maybe it won’t be back to normal for all of us, it’s sad to think, but it’s likely things will change drastically for some of us and our families.

No one quite knows what we are dealing with, and how long this will go on. So for now I’ll just continue living like this, and enjoying being at home with my family while I can and building dens in the garden with my little one. I’m sure before long everything will be back as it was before and this strange time will all be a distant memory.

Take care and thank you for reading.

Claire
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Hitting the Share Button

Hitting the Share Button My Not So Secret Diary
Anyone else find this offensive rather than funny?

These sort of posts drive me mad! I just don’t get it, and yet posts like this one, and those similar to it, are shared and re-shared all over the place, with laughing emojis depicting just how funny they are and comments like, “Yeah, me too!” or “I’ll need that to get through!” This one is particular was accompanied when I saw it by the words, “Lockdown day 2”. My kids call posts like this memes, but it’s not a word I’ve ever used so I feel a bit daft saying it, but I’m sure you all know what sort of posts I’m referring to.

What I see when I look at this one in particular, is a woman who doesn’t really want to be with her kids if she needs a box of wine to herself, and those kids, albeit it on TV look a lot better behaved than most! I see a woman who maybe needs some help if it’s got this far. The one thing I don’t see is anything amusing. It seems to me that all it is doing is reinforcing how wine is supposed to help, and numb our feelings. At a time like this though, with so much going on I think it is entirely the wrong message to send out. Especially to our children. They need to know that we are okay, because if we aren’t how will they be? They need to see us taking sensible steps to protect ourselves and our families and through that, our wider communities. Drowning our sorrows in alcohol will not do that, and instead will just show them that we can’t cope, that we need to rely on something external to help us get through. Of course, as they get older that message will be remembered.

I find it so frustrating in this day and age, when our media and advertising are so policed in many ways, that things like this are out there. I’m not saying we should remove all humour, I just think there should be some common sense. You don’t see adverts for cigarettes because people know they are addictive and cause cancer, so why do we still see adverts for alcohol? It does the same thing, only under the misconception that it’s ‘cool’. It doesn’t matter where it comes from, but little videos like this send out the wrong message, and while I know at the moment, we all need a little bit of relief, a laugh and a joke to keep normality where we can, I really don’t think this is the way to do it.

Sorry if this sounds like a rant! The stupidity of some of the posts I’ve seen recently just gets to me. I hate the idea of it undermining anyone’s sobriety, especially at a time when things are so difficult so for many anyway. But what do you think?

Take care, and stay safe.
Claire
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Here's the link in case you want to watch the whole thing!

https://www.facebook.com/paula.raccagna/videos/3161271870572994/UzpfSTEwMTUzOTAxNDU3MDAxMDoyMzkxMjIwMDc0NzgzNzY/

Kindness and Community Spirit

You can't catch covid-19 from two metres apart, sobriety and kindness at this time writing for my blog My Not So Secret Diary
Just a few little reminders.

I often think that we’re quite an isolated society on the whole. We live independently and we certainly aren’t as interconnected as our previous generations were. My mum used to tell me how her family all lived closely, within a few streets of each other when she was a child, but I’ve never known anything like that. It seems a little strange to think of having people so close. We don’t have people in and out of the house, nor do the kids (I guess they’ve learned it from us), so it seems like a different way of life.

In the last month or so, before the news got so serious, my newsfeed was full, as I expect everyone else’s was too, of offers to help others, to collect shopping and exercise pets. The offers were almost a bit overwhelming and as there was so much, it did make me wonder just how much of it was some people jumping on the bandwagon so to speak, seeing a kind idea, and wanting a little bit of glory for it themselves. Often those out there who are most genuine in their reasons for helping do so without shouting about it. In the last week or so things seem different, things have got a little bit more serious, and people are finding it hard. We are so used to our freedom, especially in the UK, there is very little we cannot do when we want to, except for right now.

The situation is unprecedented and somewhat unexpected. We don’t know how long it will last for, and what might be next, and most of the world is in the same boat. We could all fall apart, and yet, recently I’ve heard of a few real acts of kindness, great examples of people thinking outside the box and helping out others. Here are a few, but if you’ve heard of any others I’d love to hear them!

• A garage offering to pick up cars for MOTs for those who are self-isolating, and return them, with any supplies the owners may need.
• One of the lovely ladies at nursery offering to help provide breakfast and lunches for children that normally receive free school meals. This was offered before the schools closed and she was worried that families might struggle.
• Postcards to fill out your details showing your neighbours what help you are able to offer them.
• Stanley’s nursery offering additional sessions to relieve grandparents from their babysitting duties to help protect the elderly, again, this was before the stronger measures came in.
• My own 14 year old son phoning his grandparents to offer to get any shopping or walk their dog if needed.
• Authors taking to social media to read their books aloud on a daily basis to provide entertainment for those who are in self-isolation.
• The National Trust opening it’s parks for free so that people can get out in the fresh air with space from others during this time. Of course, this also has changed now.


Although it’s hard, we’re all doing the right thing, we’re pulling together and doing what we can for our family, our community and our country. It’s strange but true, in this case I think every little bit does help.

Lets all try to remember to take care of each other at this very strange time.
Claire x

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Easter Break

Easter Break daffodils outside quarantine spring blog about recovery and sobriety living My Not So Secret Diary

I've been thinking about where to spend the holidays. So far it is very weather dependent, but I've managed to narrow it down to the lounge or the garden. 😁
What are your plans? 💜💜

Sobriety in Quarantine

Sobriety in Quarantine self isolation in Cornwall for the corona virus covid-19 walking on Bodmin moor, and writing about my experiences for my blog about sobriety and mental health My Not So Secret Diary
Happy!

If there is one thing I am grateful for right now, it’s my sobriety. I certainly wouldn’t be coping with this crisis if I was still drinking. I think in all honesty, I would be impossible to live with.

As a family we haven’t stockpiled, but as there are six of us living together, we have bought a few things that will last, in case the shelves stay as bare as they have been recently and also, in case one of us contracts the virus and we actually can’t get out. Both sets of our parents are at home in self-isolation and there is no-one else I would be able to ask to get things for us, so I’ve had to prepare us a little. I couldn’t reasonably ask my parents to collect something for us, and live with myself if they got ill because of me. I was thinking the other day though, how I would have stockpiled before. I can’t quite get my head around how much wine I would have bought, how I would have excused it and where I would have put it. It would have cost a fortune!

One of the reasons I began to address my drinking problem all that time ago was because I began to worry about the amount I had to buy, not only to drink, but to calm my anxiety in case I couldn’t get to a shop, like late on a Sunday. Now, with the lack of food, especially alcohol in my local supermarket, I would be very concerned.

On top of my worry about getting enough wine to drink, I would have also not been as present as I am at the moment, I wouldn’t be as clear headed and able to listen to the news, and the events in the world. I’d most likely be making excuses to drink earlier in the day, because we are at home, and the weather is nice or it feels like a holiday, or we don’t have to get up for work… I’m sure I would have been able to think of something that seemed like a good enough reason, but all it would have done would be to numb my feelings. It wouldn’t have fixed anything. I wouldn’t have been so open to listening to events unfold. I would have been falling asleep in the evenings, or not remembering what happened the night before. I know this is true, because I know what I was like.

It might seem tempting to drink, to stop all the worry and to ‘relax’, especially at a time like this. I know I found myself scrolling through Instagram and saw a photo of a glass of freshly poured wine next to the bottle. Someone had poured it to reward themselves for something they had achieved earlier in the day. Before I even realised, I had stopped scrolling and was just looking at it, remembering. And then I caught myself and I scrolled on by. I don’t actually want to drink anymore, it’s just that sometimes the memory is still there and catches me out. I know honestly that it won’t help in the long run. It doesn’t make things better.

So here are a few tips to help you, if you’re struggling, because the last thing anyone needs now, is to relapse.

• Occupy yourself, keep your mind busy and it will help you to stay positive. Take advantage of the extra time you might have on your hands to take up a new hobby. It might be harder than normal to buy supplies, but if you’re happy to wait, you can get most things online.
• If you’re not already a member of any online groups, join some. Your online sober community can provide a safe place to talk to many people in similar situations and share, even though you can’t meet up.
• Get outside if you can. I went for a run this morning and spent the afternoon in the garden with the kids. I felt so much better. Granted, the weather is nice at the moment, but let’s make the most of it, and take advantage of it where we can. Walking, running and fresh air are all good for your mental well-being, just respect the social distancing rules.
• Distance yourself from negativity, whether it’s social media or excessive news consumption, don’t get too drawn in, and make sure that your news comes from a trustworthy source.
• Whether you are home alone, or with others, try to stay in contact with others, by safe means like FaceTime, and don’t isolate yourself.
• Equally, remember the difference your contact will make on others, don’t isolate them either. It’s easy to forget how others are feeling at times like this.

Above all, stay positive. We will get through this!

Take care and stay safe everyone.
Claire x

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