SoberMe

My Not So Secret Diary

Yoga

Yoga
After run yoga!

A famous yoga teacher called Kino MacGregor once said, “Practice yoga and change your world.” It sounds a bit airy fairy doesn’t it, and yet it works. Yoga was always something I had wanted to do, but didn’t, a bit like running, because all of the stereotypes were these fit, skinny, bendy people, and I wasn’t like that.

I finally stumbled into a yoga class on the advice of my midwife, when pregnant with number four. She thought it would help my anxiety and also help as I had a lot of pain in my hips. Being part of a pregnancy yoga class took a lot of the pressure away, I wasn’t expected to be super bendy, and in fact was told that, ‘now is not the time to push yourself’. It was the gentle introduction I needed. I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my body, it was never thin or strong enough, and when I stopped drinking, with the increase of anxiety and recognition of other issues, I found I was actually disliking myself. It was almost like the wine had washed away everything I had ever thought good about myself. Slowly, slowly, I started to gain in confidence again. Slowly, I started to feel good about myself again.

As I said, I wasn’t particularly flexible, but yoga taught me to be strong in body and stronger than I had been in mind. With practice I got more flexible and learned to stand on my head, something I never thought I’d be able to do in my mid-thirties. I found it a calming way to reconnect with myself again. If I hadn’t started yoga, there would be no way I’d be a runner now, so I have more to thank it for than just the peace it gives me.

Like most things, I find it easy to put off even the things I love or benefit from, so I’ve signed up to a 30 day yoga challenge to jump start my practice into the New Year! I find challenges really help with my motivation, and often find one on Instagram if I need a bit if encouragement. Knowing I need to post a pose each day as part of the challenge helps keep me accountable! If it hadn’t been for yoga, I would never have started running, and the two of them together have been fantastic for me.

Do any of you practice? What helps motivate you?

As always, thank you for reading.

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Yoga in a Pub?

Yoga in a Pub
I bought him his own mat, he still prefers to be on mine with me. Even if I end up squashing him!

I love yoga. I find it refreshing and invigorating. It puts me through my paces and leaves my body feeling strong and my mind feeling clear. It really compliments my running too.

I got out of the habit of going to classes about a year ago, it’s hard to find something that fits in which our schedules, so I can go but also have someone at home to look after the little one. Daytime classes just don’t work for this reason. I normally practice at home but recently happened to see a class advertised at a time I could make, and the bonus was, my daughter wanted to come too. She also really finds yoga beneficial, but doesn’t practice at home. It’s nice for us to have something to do together.

We’ve been going religiously each week, and despite a couple of changes in times, it’s been fine. Last week I had a message to say that the venue we had been using was no longer available. It seemed a terrible shame as the teacher is truly talented and we both really enjoy the classes. I was so pleased to hear not long after that she had found another place to use, until I found out it was in a pub.

Is the idea of yoga in a pub bizarre to everyone or is it just me? I just don’t think I would be comfortable enjoying my yoga practise in such a close vicinity to all that alcohol. Maybe it’s just my background, but being sober now, I don’t particularly want to spend my free time in a pub, especially for something like yoga. I know it doesn’t actually involve drinking, so maybe I’m being over-sensitive? But, for someone who was alcohol dependent the idea of yoga in a place surrounded by alcohol just doesn’t sit well with me.

Anyway, fingers crossed a new space turns up, two weeks without a class is a long time and I might have to find a new class! Until then it’s yoga at home for me, the problem is, that often involves having a two year old on my mat with me!

Thanks for reading everyone!

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My Thoughts on Go Sober For October

My Thoughts on Go Sober For October
Chilling at the beach with my little man.

As many of you know, I don’t drink. So when I see Go Sober for October adverts, although I see what I think is a good cause, I also see a reminder of something I couldn’t do for a long time, and by that I mean stopping drinking. I signed up for at least two years, knowing full well that I wouldn’t be able to do it. I thought that by signing up, some sort of magic wand would be waved and I’d be able to drink soft drinks for the rest of the month without wanting anything more, and my problem would be fixed. How much easier that would have been than going through recovery!

I recently saw a post from someone excited to start Stoptober, wondering if cutting out alcohol would help make any improvement on their running. I was interested in this too, although I started running after I stopped drinking, so it wouldn’t affect me in the same way. I was really surprised at the amount of different opinions to it! So many people out there don’t drink at all, many having used Stoptober as a stepping stone and then just not started again. Others are more training orientated and use races as a guide to how much or little they should be drinking. Some, clearly happy with where they are at, are just happy to, in the words of one gentleman, ‘crack on’. It isn’t envy I feel any more when I read comments like that, (it used to be, and not so long ago), I’m not sure that it’s pity, but there’s definitely an element of sadness that people would choose to drink to excess. Now I have a clear head, I’d rather keep it. It took a long time to get it and it isn’t always perfect, but it is certainly a lot better without wine. I do understand though that not everyone is the same.

What stood out the most to me was someone questioning the reasoning having a month off. The point was that if someone doesn’t have a problem with drinking then a month is nothing, and shouldn’t need to be celebrated. It makes me wonder just how ingrained alcohol is in our society that it is the norm that ‘everyone’ drinks and so stopping for a month becomes nothing more than a game?

It’s a great cause, all the fundraising helping Macmillan, but I do wonder if drinking wasn’t so much a part of our society, would we need Stoptober, or Dry January? Although maybe they are a helpful excuse to help people recognise when they have a problem? Reading through the website, they promote the benefits of being sober, including clearer head, more energy, better sleep, weight loss, personal achievement and helping those with cancer, but I was so disappointed to read that they offer a ‘Golden Ticket’ that you can buy if you have an occasion where you really need to drink! It seems like a contradiction, to be offered a way out before you start, and a reinforcement of how ‘important’ alcohol is to society! Maybe I’m just over-sensitive when it comes to this subject?

As always, thanks for reading!
💖💖💖

Parkrun

Parkrun
The start of our home parkrun. Not a bad place to run!

Last week I ran my 30th parkrun. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with parkrun. I do really enjoy going, and certainly after I’ve been I feel glad I have. My home run is beautiful, it’s at a National Trust Estate and running through the woods is amazing. The downside is that it also is rated as one of the hardest in the country as it is so hilly, and we get a lot of parkrun tourists. Now I am not saying I don’t like the tourists, I am proud that they come and get to share what I get to have every week. It’s just, it gets so very busy! The first hill is down a lane and when it’s wet I am afraid I’ll slip, then it’s onto a steep gravel up hill, followed by an even steeper uneven gravel downhill that goes on forever to the river at the bottom. This bit gets narrow and I am always afraid I’ll fall. This run was worse as the sun was shining between the trees and I struggled to see where I was going. I’m conscious that I’ll slow other runners down, so I try to keep to the side, often running on more bumpy ground to do so. So, in the summer months running down this bit is even harder than normal because there is a much larger group of runners out, in the winter I feel a bit safer.

It took me a long time to get to my first parkrun. I heard they were really friendly and that you could, “walk, run or jog”, but I still thought I’d be last, and show myself up. The first time I ran, I knew I could comfortably complete the distance, but that I’d definitely have to walk some of it. I enlisted my middle son, (now a super keen runner who knocks out 10k ridiculously fast) into coming with me. He said he would and was happy to run with me, but as we started, I could see him itching to get away. I told him to go and so he did after a little encouragement. I didn’t see him again until the finish line! Meanwhile I wasn’t fast enough to be at the front and not slow enough to be at the back… at one point I was worried I’d get lost in the woods as there seemed to be a spot down by the river with no signs and marshals. It was fine though. I got back and finished, feeling super proud of myself.

I’ve since gone on to improve my time, I’m not the fastest, but as they say, it isn’t a race, I’m just running against myself and I like that. The only trouble is, I am quite competitive (mainly with myself) and I get quite disappointed if I don’t get a personal best each week, Now logically, I know that I couldn’t do that week on week anyway, there is only so fast anyone can go, no matter how fast they are, but some weeks I’ve been a little bit slower, and then a bit slower again and it knocked my confidence. Combining that with lots of visitors made it easy to miss the odd week, and suddenly I realised I hadn’t been to a parkrun since the beginning of the summer.

As well as being a keen runner, my son is also happy to marshal at parkrun, and has logged many weeks as a #hivishero but again hasn’t done much over the summer. This week he suggested marshalling and checking the roster I saw that they were in need of another time keeper, so he quickly signed up. This was great, because although he offered to ride his bike there I decided I’d drive him, giving him a few extra minutes in bed and giving me a reason to go and run. It was cooler, being September, and less busy which was nice, although I did have to give myself a stern talking to several times regarding times. Eventually I settled into a rhythm and realised that getting a PB didn’t really matter, I was out, I was running, I was enjoying myself so whatever time I came in, it was better than staying at home on the sofa!

The best bit? Tea and cake with my son in the park cafe at the end!

Thanks for reading!
xx

Motivation

Motivation
I'm smiling! Proof I do enjoy being out once I get there!

I’m not sure that I really like running. Well that isn’t exactly true. I do like running, in fact I love running. Especially after I’ve been out and I’m feeling all good about myself. But the getting out bit is hard. I think the actual running is okay, although I often have this little voice in my head which questions what I am doing. It often asks me why I’m running, reminds me that people looking will be laughing at me and of course that I am slower than everyone else in the world. If I can push through, which I usually do, I get to a point at about 3 miles, where something clicks and it suddenly becomes easier. Maybe it isn’t easier, maybe it’s just because I no longer have a choice, I am aware that my legs have taken me a certain distance and short of phoning someone to come and get me (which I have never done) I have no choice but to run home again. Or finish the race, but you get my point.

On the other side, I can’t say it’s just running. I love yoga class, but if you gave me a good excuse I’d find it easy not to go. I think it’s more that when I have things on my agenda it feels like I have to tick them all off my list as quickly as I can so I can clear them. It means I feel like I am rushing a lot and always on the go, sometimes it feels like I don’t really enjoy what I am doing because I am looking at what I need to be doing next.

So I’m working on mindfulness, I’m trying to be more present, but it’s hard. Who knew life would be such a challenge at times? There always seems to be something I need to learn or improve on.


Does anyone else struggle with motivation for doing things they enjoy?

Becoming a Runner

Becoming a Runner
Freedom Racing on the Cornish cliffs - I'm number 116.

Over the years I’ve classed myself as many things, a wife, a mum, an employee… They are all things that I am proud of, that I value, and things that I think I do well, but I guess over time, it is hard to define yourself as someone or something without relying on others for that definition. To be any of those things, I always need someone else. I didn’t really have many hobbies and for a while I lost sight of who I was. It has become clear that to have something that is just mine is actually really important.

On Saturday I ran a race. It was 10 miles, which gave me quite some time on the trails in the woods by myself. I don’t run with others, which can be a good thing as I get plenty of time to myself to think, but also it can be lonely, especially when the going gets tough and there is no one to help you along. I didn’t find it as mentally challenging as I do some races. I’ve often said that my body runs better than my mind does. Sometimes it is hard to get to the start line, let alone over it and as this one was quite long I doubted myself. Especially as the first mile or so was a long drag up a hill. There were a lot of hills, and only the front runners ran these, back where I was we dropped to a fast walk. Rather than panic I just ran and before I knew it I’d settled into a nice rhythm. Some of the course was on my home parkrun course, so I knew it quite well, maybe this helped? I thought it would make it worse as every time I thought I knew where we were going we veered off in another direction. The end was possibly the most challenging as we ran past the finish at nine and a half miles and had to do another loop in the other direction before coming back the other way to cross the line! That was hard!

While it was a challenging race, I was immensely proud of running it. No one else got me round that course. I could have been at home on the sofa, watching the TV. It was a rainy Saturday so there were a lot of other things I could have done instead. I chose to run 10 miles in rain and mud and I rubbed a blister on my heel. I think I need some new trail trainers. But as I was running it dawned on me, I might not be the fastest, I might not be the fittest, but I am a runner now. That definition belongs just to me and others like me, it doesn’t rely on someone else to make me a runner. By putting my shoes on and getting out the door, no matter how long or short a run, I am doing something that I couldn’t do a year or so ago. To those of you who choose to run, no matter how fast or slow, just remember that you are always lapping those people who stay on their couch!

Thanks for reading!
xx

Being Authentic

Being Authentic
Me and my little monkey!

I’d heard and read about ‘being authentic’, it features quite highly in a lot of self-help type books. The idea is that you should really own being you and show that to the world. It is a brave thing to do and the right thing, because surely all we want is to be liked for who we are? That being said, it is a hard thing. One that I find hard, I’m always worried I’m not getting things quite right, always afraid that I will be judged. I am sure a lot of people feel the same way.

Recently I posted a long blog post which was truly authentic. I re-read it, and before I could think too much more about it I posted it for all to read. Well, I wasn’t expecting it to get shared so many times, and for it to be read by so many, but I’m glad it did. It felt like a weight had been lifted, that I could finally show who I really was. My husband and children know and have always known the real me, but my anxiety does tend to mean I put up a bit of a wall with other people. On the outside I am fine, on the inside, not always quite so much, but believe me, I am so much better than before.

Writing things down helped me own my past but more importantly the fact that I have moved on and overcome a lot of challenges. It gave me strength and actually reinforced to me what I have achieved. It’s funny though, at the weekend I saw a runner I know well, and we chatted before the start of a race. I was congratulated on my post, and told it was ‘brave’. That meant a lot. I’m so grateful that bearing my thoughts and feelings is seen that way. It makes me feel proud to think I have experienced a lot, that I am still here, and if that provides a little bit of inspiration to others then I am really happy for that. Reading the experiences of others helped me a lot, and I’m glad to share with you too. It makes me feel naked though in a way because I’ve suddenly let so many people into my head. It is very strange to think so many people know my inner most thoughts and feelings.

So I guess with authenticity comes a level of vulnerability. If I allow the world to see me for who I really am, then I am not pretending, but I am taking down my armour and being me. It’s empowering to let the world see me, if not a little nerve wracking, but I guess now, what you see is what you get.

Thanks for reading.
xx

Running a 10 Miler Tomorrow!

Running a 10 Miler Tomorrow!
I hope these guys don't give me any trouble tomorrow!

Tomorrow I’m running a 10 mile race. It seemed like a good idea when I booked it. It fits in nicely with my current half marathon training and it’s local so I thought, ‘Why not?’ But now it is happening tomorrow it seems like a much bigger thing. There is a time limit which stresses me out. Most of the races I do don’t have limits which means there is no pressure. I’ve never been last, but I always have the worry that I will be. I just don’t quite trust my body to finish the distance. I keep imagine being pulled off the course by the marshals.

I did my first 10 miler back in February having had a really bad chest infection. There wasn’t a time limit so I decided even if I had to walk it, I would do it and it would be fine. My middle son surprised me at the two mile mark, he wasn’t old enough to run with me, so I couldn’t sign him up, but he decided to do it anyway, without an incentive of a medal at the end, just to make sure I was all right. Love him. It lightened the feel of the race for me and we finished in a fairly respectable time, although I was the only one who ran through the finish funnel. I will try to beat it next year!

Since then I’ve run three half marathons, and I have my fourth in October. It’s built on my confidence because I know I can run the distance, even though I am not the fastest, I am happy with my times, and it gives me room for improvement. It’s just the fear… I’ve checked the weather, it is set for rain, but at least I won’t get hot. I’m trying to look for positives here!

It’s a Saturday which is more commonly known in our house as parkrun day. I’ve decided running 3 miles as a warm up to the 10 miler might be a little excessive for me, so I’ve put my name down to marshal instead. My running son was already down, so I’d most likely be driving him there anyway, I might as well stay to help. It’s a good feeling to be able to give something back and I really feel like it gives us a little ownership over our homerun. The only thing is I’d quite like a lay-in, at least I have Sunday for that!

Thanks for reading!

💖💖💖

Gratitude

Gratitude
After an evening race at the beach.

I think the title of my blog and Facebook page might give away the fact that I’m a little cautious about sharing what I write. I know I’ve posted online, but I’d mistakenly thought I could do it somewhat anonymously! I’d always intended to share with others who I am, but just not yet, my anxious self needed a little reassurance first that what I’ve written is okay to share. I’m often afraid that I’ll upset, offend or give too much away and embarrass myself. Before I go on, I want to thank everyone who took the time to like, comment or DM me about that post. It means so much to me that you all read it and I really enjoyed talking to everyone. I hope I didn’t miss anyone and I hope it helps!

I’m proud to be part of The Lonely Goat Running Club (Go goats!). We are an inclusive group who don’t always meet or run together, but instead chat online. It is a super supportive group and people (goats) share a lot in our chat, always without judgement, I’ve never known such a diverse group to be so united in their support of each other. We were featured in Runners World a few months ago and since then our group has grown to over 12,000! Anyway, I digress. Last night I shared my most recent blog post with the goats. I felt that if I asked for honest opinions, that I’d either realise my writing is rubbish and stop, or I’d get a few comments that made me feel I could continue. I wasn’t expecting what I got! Last night (and this morning) I have received such a huge out pouring of love from so many people. It means so much to me that my words might give hope to people out there going through experiences similar to mine.

Writing is a challenge, as it means I am admitting to a lot of things. It means letting people in, and allowing them to know me. That’s not something I am good at. In my darkest place, I realised that a lot of the people who ‘knew’ me really didn’t, the friends I thought I had disappeared and some took advantage of my vulnerability. It made me shut myself off, I don’t like being vulnerable, or at least admitting to it, and keeping everyone (except those closest to me) at arms length made it easier to deal with. It feels now, like I’ve admitted everything, that a weight has been lifted. Believe me, I didn’t intend for my post to be shared so far and wide last night, but maybe it is a good thing. Maybe it needed to happen.

Gratitude plays such a big part of my life now. Every night, I make sure I find time to find things to be grateful for throughout the previous day. Sometimes they are big things, sometimes they are small, but even on the most rotten of days there are things! I think that this habit makes me really notice the positives in life, for example the weather, I love the changes in weather, recently running across the cliffs one evening while the wind blew made me feel so alive! Such a small thing, but so special. Obviously I am grateful for my family, and my health, something that a few years ago I might not have had. There are many things I could add to it, but last night I added everyone that I spoke to about my writing. It made me feel very special, so thank you.

Thanks for reading!
xxx

Bear with me, it's a long one...

Bear with me, it's a long one
It's been a hard few years, but I think the worst is over now.

About six years ago, I wondered if I had a drink problem. I knew I drank a lot, but my husband also enjoyed a beer in the evening and it seemed normal to have one or two drinks in the evening to relax after a long day at work and stress with the kids. The thing was, I had a good job and a tidy house, I had happy kids and things were okay, so I decided I was being silly, and that I was fine. It’s easy for me to worry about silly things due to my anxiety so I put it down to that.

About five years ago, I wondered again. By this time I’d got a different job. I’d told myself if I had further to drive, I’d have to get up earlier, therefore I’d drink less. I made a great friend at work, she’d talk with me in the mornings, maybe one of us or both of us would feel a little worse for wear. We’d encourage each other to have a night without, and we’d both mean it, but we worked in stressful roles, and each day was fraught. (Not an excuse!) By the evening, we’d be on the phone to each other reassuring each other that it was just one glass. It never was.

I read a book, it was dedicated to the women for whom one glass was never enough and always too many. That was me. One glass became two or three, and before long, two bottles of white wine every night. Every night. Fourteen bottles minimum in the recycling, just for me. But my house was clean, I had a job and a husband, happy kids. I couldn’t have a problem. I just ‘liked’ a drink. Even when I was on my own.

About four years ago I hit rock bottom. I’ve always had difficulties with anxiety, and depression. I’ve never felt like I fitted in that well with anyone, except that is my husband, my rock who has stood by me through everything, and believe me, I haven’t made things easy for him. I spoke to him, more than once over the years about drinking, and the amount I drank. He supported me, and together we’d abstain for a few days, managing about three by memory. I found this super challenging but I’d do it just about and then having proved that I could do without, I’d have a drink to celebrate. We live in a culture where alcohol is everywhere, you drink to celebrate, to relax, to commiserate, because you’ve had a hard day, because you’ve had an easy day. The list is endless, and it makes stopping hard, because everyone else is doing it. I never drank in the day, I hate to admit I was possibly still a little drunk in the morning from the amount I’d had the night before, but I never drank before 6pm. Then it became 5pm, then 4pm. It’s a slippery slope. I hated wine at this point. I hated the hold it had over me, I couldn’t reconcile how much I hated something I wanted so badly. Nothing was the same without it, I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t be calm. It was my saviour, to know I’d made it through the day and I could have my reward. It was strange though when the reward never seemed enough and then when I started to forget. My family would remind me of things I had said or done, but I had no recollection. I felt like I was losing my mind, my only constant was my bottle or two of wine. I stopped going out. It was work, home, kids, wine. I knew something needed to change.

I shut myself away one day and phoned a support group for help. I was at the end of the line and needed help. I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I played out the worst case scenarios of what would happen now I’d admitted I needed help. It terrified me. What I wasn’t expected was a three month wait for help, and when it came, being told in a meeting to keep drinking. As I was drinking so much at the time, it would have been dangerous to stop. This only confused me further, I was so angry then, at myself, at wine, at life, but mostly myself for letting the situation get so bad.

Eventually I had cut down enough to be prescribed Antabuse from the doctor. Effectively if you take it and then drink you’ll be really very sick. Taking that gave me back a little of the control. I knew that if I willingly took that, I’d not be able, (without risking my life), to drink. It was the first time, in a long time, that I felt a little bit in control.

Recovery was the hardest thing in the world I have ever done. It was also the best thing. I’ve been sober for over three years now and I know that I am 100% me all the time, any mistakes I make, any stupid things I say, that’s me, not wine saying them. I’ve not only had to stop drinking, but basically relearn the way I approach things. Alcohol is so ingrained into our society that we assume there is something wrong with someone when they don’t drink, unless they are the designated driver. It took me a long time to see that I wasn’t boring because I wasn’t drinking. It was also hard to find something to do with all the time I had now. Sitting mindlessly in front of the TV in the evening was not enough anymore. Harder still was dealing with anxiety on a daily basis, rather than drinking to keep my mind sedated. Nowadays that is the tricky thing, alcohol played such a part in being a buffer for me, I didn’t have to over think things because I couldn’t, self-medicating calmed me. Now there is no buffer, it’s just me, doing the best I can, and living with the consequences. I try my best, but like everyone, I do make mistakes. Day by day, I am getting there. It is certainly easier now, even though I’m still caught off guard by old thought patterns.

To anyone out there who is going through something similar, keep going, it is worth it, even though it is hard. Remember too, be kind to yourself.

Thanks for reading!
xx

My Anxious Mind

My Anxious Mind

I’ve struggled this week. It always starts in the same way, I feel a little more tired than normal. I feel a bit vacant, like I’m detached from everything and everyone, almost like I’m watching my life happen on the TV, going through the motions, but not really here. I know I am sensitive and anxious but I am a lot better than I used to be. In fact it is more of a surprise when I feel unusually low, there were times when I felt like it all the time. I know I’m on a bit of a downward spiral when things begin to get to me a little more than they should, and when I say that, I know that I shouldn’t let them, I know not everything is meant to offend or upset me. I just can’t seem to shake them off and things get through whether I want them to or not. On days like this I find everything harder, whether it be seeing purpose in what I do or thinking I am a rubbish Mum. I hate feeling this way because I know I am lucky, I have a lovely husband and kids, a dog and a home. I know many people don’t and feeling like this almost makes me feel self-indulgent, although if I could stop myself feeling like it, I would.

Yesterday my middle two had a bit of a disagreement. Much as I try to encourage them they aren’t good at talking to each other and I find it really sad. On this occasion they both decided to make their points, clearly trying to get a reaction but instead woke the littlest one up. I know they didn’t do it on purpose to annoy me, but that’s what it did and instead of reacting as I should and being calm, it just upset me. I felt like a failure as a mother because of their lack of communication and respect for each other. I know they are tired, they just started the new school year and a lot is being asked of them, but I don’t think I ask a lot from them, just really a bit of decency towards everyone else in the house. Maybe that is too much to expect from 14 and 16 year olds? Later when my eldest came home, a similar conversation occurred between him and me. Again I know he is tired, but do you know what? So am I! He always seems to be on the defensive with me, and it makes it hard to have a proper conversation with him.

Instead of seeing these things as just the little hiccups they are, I take them to heart, worrying about what I could have done to help the situation, and feeling like a lot of it is my fault. My mind whirs and I can’t keep my thoughts still, it’s almost like I need something to worry about at this point, and soon I was skipping about between worrying about money and replaying over and over something my mother-in-law had said to me earlier in the day.

Meditation helps, but when my mind is chaotic I find it hard to focus. Running helps, but on days like these I struggle to get out, feeling like people will laugh, that they’ll all be looking at me, that I am stupid for even thinking I am a runner. So I curled up under a blanket with my husband and tried to lose myself in a book. It was hard, my mind was busy and it kept wandering off, but I kept at it, and although I picked a lot of fault with the book, it did help focus me and stop the chatter in my head.

Any one else get days like this?

Thanks for reading.
💜💜
x

Tuesday Night Yoga

Tuesday Night Yoga
What a beautiful sky over Newquay!

Tuesday nights are Yoga night for me and my daughter. It’s really nice to have an hour or so to ourselves, ‘girlie time’ - although to be clear, I wouldn’t mind if my boys came too, it’s just nice to have peace and quiet and time for ourselves.

Yoga is something I’d wanted to do for a long time, but I allowed myself to be put off by social media stereotypes. Looking on Instagram everyone was super lean, strong and flexible and I was a Mum, and not a particularly bendy one at that. My opportunity to start doing yoga regularly came unexpectedly as during my last pregnancy I suffered from bad hip pain. My midwife suggested yoga as a way to help the pain I had, as well as to help manage my anxiety and just give me some time out. I was lucky and quickly found a class nearby which I could attend in the evenings, once a week. I was so nervous going to the first class, and waited in the car outside to see the sort of people walking in, just to make sure I wasn’t the only inflexible one. Once inside I realised that no one there was interested in what I was doing, everyone was actually just there for themselves, and once I’d come to terms with that, I actually began to enjoy it.

One of the many benefits of joining a class during pregnancy is that there is no pressure to achieve, or push yourself, I didn’t have to be thin and I didn’t have to be flexible. It is just a time of quiet introspection and gave me a really lovely grounding into the basics of yoga. Breathing techniques learned in class helped not only during my pregnancy, but also in labour, and after to settle my little one. In fact I still use them now, as my yoga teacher recently said, your breath is a great way of letting go.

Getting back into yoga after little one was born was fun, and I found a mother and baby yoga class which we started when he was almost 6 weeks old. Gaining confidence there, I began to practise on my own as well and began to try to push myself in ways I had never done before in my life. To start with I still worried, even in the gentle classes I was in, that I wouldn’t be able to complete the class, and I’d fall or embarrass myself. I was always concerned that if I did too much in the day, I wouldn’t have enough left to do the class. It’s been three years now, of fairly consistent yoga, and sometimes I go for a run and do an hour of yoga in the same day. It gives me confidence in myself and what my body can do, and I know there’s still a lot more that I am capable of.

So Tuesdays are a dynamic vinyasa flow class. If you’d asked me a couple of years ago what that was I would have had no clue. Perceptions of yoga vary from person to person, with many people assuming that yoga is merely stretching. This class is not that. This is a full body workout that works up a sweat, while the intention the practice is based on focuses your mind. Our theme at the moment is balance, balance in your body and balance in your mind. It might sound overly sentimental, but if we can balance our thoughts, and our minds, then we are half way there aren’t we? Managing to hold a headstand in a room full of people, (some also on their heads), I feel like I’m getting there!

Thanks for reading! xx